When it Rains it Pours......

So much has been going on in my life recently that I feel like it is the perfect time to start writing again to get some things off my chest.

I have a great job that I love, but the pay sucks....

I have a crappy living situation that I cannot control....

I was recently caught up in some legal matters....

And at this point in my life, I feel I need to assess and address who my friends are.

All this being said, the friend issue seems to be the most clear. I feel I must start all over again, and wipe away all the fake, insincere people out of my life. This leaves me with only the friends I have that don't live in the town I just so happen to live in. My best friend in Austin is a keeper, and my Taco in New Jersey is a keeper.... I think that is about it. With having friends in different cities and states comes another one of my issues.....

I can't legally drive right now. I also can't legally leave the county without written permission from a judge.

I live with my ex. He just so happens to be an extremely abusive person and feels the need to verbally abuse me on a regular basis.... almost to the point where I want to disappear or just vanish. After all this is said and done, I feel I will need extensive therapy myself.

With my current job, it is a way to establish myself in my ultimate career goal, however it is IMPOSSIBLE to live on my own. I took this job to get my foot in the door, however I am making half of what I have been used to making. With this being said, I feel that my ex thinks it is appropriate to abuse me on a daily basis just because "he can".

I really am at a loss right now, and I am aware that feeling down on myself will accomplish nothing. I know that it will not help me find any friends, or find a guy that wants to be with me for the long haul.... I feel that no one will want to be with me until I am happy and right with myself.

I want to be happy and right with myself.....

I have done things to try to get a clearer head and more of a positive outlook on life. I am going to the gym regularly, have lost 20 lbs, and have been smoke free for 2 months.

Also given the current situation, I am currently not drinking and have not touched alcohol for 10 days..... however I was never a heavy drinker. As far as "other things".... my last day was December 31, 2010..... had to end the year with a bang.

So here it is, all laid out and no resolution. I need a change for the better... I need friends that actually care instead of just "saying" they do.... I need to distance myself from those who have hurt me and continue to hurt me... I need a way to earn extra income... And ultimately, I need to be happy and right with myself....

Any questions?

I May Have Lost a Friend, But I Found a Long Lost Friend/ Tribute to my Weekend Roomie

I suppose I should start by saying that I don't have many friends. In high school and shit like that I did, but as I grew older, I realized that those people were more like acquaintances. Now, I view the term friend a bit differently. I think of the people I can call on, the people that are there for me when I need them, and the people that I would be there for no matter what if they need me.

Weekend Roomie and I have become quite close since we first reconnected after ten years time. Although I lost Belle as a friend, it was kind of like I was making room for someone that "wanted" to be my friend, and getting all the insincere people out of my life. I thought it was funny when Weekend Roomie told me she would submit her application for the Best Friend Position that had opened up, but to be honest, she didn't even need to apply.

Weekend Roomie and I have a lot of fun together. When we talk on the phone, 95% of the time we are cracking up laughing. I have known her since 8th grade, and to be honest, seeing her after 10 years time was like nothing had changed and we picked up exactly where we left off, just older and with more possibilities to have fun and do things.

I called Weekend Roomie on Monday to wish her a Happy Birthday. She then told me that her and her 2 brothers (they all work together) were talking about taking a trip to Las Vegas and having the company foot the bill. She told me that it would only be fair if she were able to have a plus 1 for her, because her brothers are married and would be taking their wives and children and it being equally their money, she said she should be able to take someone as well. Guess who she invited? ME!!! When we were talking about it and asked me if I wanted to go, I told her that I would not be able to afford that especially with such short notice, and she said "All you need is spending and play money. You don't have to worry with anything else, we have your flight and hotel".

We are going to Vegas for the 22nd to the 26th of June. That is Monday thru Friday. I know we will have a blast, because we always do.

Now tell me that is not a friend..... I bet you can't.

This Blog is Called Why I am Always Pissed Off for a Reason

I started this blog when my best friend at the time told me it would be a good way to get things off my chest. Because she was far away (and having recently found out she never gave a shit) this was my way to vent about things. To say what was bottled in, and have it go somewhere rather than just building up and making me explode later.

One thing I have never been a fan of is fake people. I try to be as honest and open as possible, and I don't care to make room for people that are fake and full of shit. I may have issues with depression, anxiety, sleeping, etc... but I am not a fake person, and I don't pretend to care if I don't. The so called "best friend" recently wrote me an email pointing out (according to her) my flaws, but failed to hear what I had to say in return. First off, I have never tried to tell her how much of a shitty friend she has been to me, even when I felt it. She, however must have felt validated by doing this to me though.... perhaps it made her feel better about herself.

I can name numerous things I have done to be good to this person. I even helped her shed (how much was it again) over 50 pounds. Talk about being a good friend and a motivator. Not to mention I donated to her causes, bought her shirts, and even had my parents donate to her causes. I am afraid she has never supported any of mine.

I think it is funny that she always categorizes herself as being a commitment phobe. She started getting close to this guy, he wants to move in, and then she breaks it off with him. She did basically the opposite with me.

When we were in college or in the same town, we were inseparable. She then moved away and we saw each other every once in a while. I graduated, and left too. Then we saw each other even less. We used to talk everyday on the phone, but then it became a matter of convenience for her. When I moved up north and was only 4 hours away from her, she didn't want to put in the equal amount of effort it would take to see one another. I suppose since I was far away and not immediately available to her, she just gave up on me, and gave up on our friendship as well.

The thing that bothers me the most is that she wrote me an email basically going off on me for being a shitty friend, but I don't ever think she stop to realize that she was being one herself (and for quite some time at that), and when called out, she chose to ignore me..... a very mature thing to do, but nonetheless, she stopped being a good friend to me a long time ago. I tried to look past it, and consider it was a different time, and we were far apart, but I felt her distancing herself for quite some time. Her excuses for not coming to visit went from tires on her truck, to time off work, to money, but then again that didn't stop her from going to see other people and going other places, and not to mention driving the same truck she didn't want to come see me in..... things that make you go hmmmmm.

All of this is fine actually, but the only thing I have left to say is this.....

If you want to initiate a conversation in which you mention someones flaws, then be prepared to see it through. Be willing to listen to what the other person has to say in return, because if not, there was no point in having said your peace..... your mind was already made up.

I wish you well, and I hope you have a great life. I hope that one day you will be able to commit to someone and be happy. I hope no one ever calls you out on being a shitty friend without letting you respond and who doesn't ignore you. I also hope that your friends don't move out of state and leave you to turn into a shitty friend to them as you did to me long ago, and I hope when people ask about your problems, that they actually care about them. Maybe one day you will grow up and realize all of this, and maybe you will push your pride aside and call me...... and MAYBE I will be there to answer your call.

Unhappily Happy/Happily Unhappy

I am typically not the kind of person that keeps things in, but lately I feel very alone and feel that I don't have anyone to talk that is close. I probably should rephrase that to mean that I have friends that are so consumed with their own issues to have time to ask me about mine, but at the same time, I don't offer the information. I also try to be happy and positive, but on the inside I am really depressed, alone, and questioning if I will EVER find what I am looking for; what I have waited my whole life for. The moments I have with my friends lately are brief, therefore I don't use that time to express the deep depression that I feel. I try to show a vested interest in others, and by that, I push my emotions in the corner to be revisited later, when I am alone. I find myself crying as I walk to my car leaving a friends place. Why am I crying? There probably isn't one reason, but an overwhelming number of reasons that consumes me to breaking points. I don't like people seeing me like that, and as a result, my boss has seen me break down more times than I would like to admit.

Why do people get depressed? I remember having gone through this a long time ago, and being put on medication for it. I don't want to resort to that again, but I can't get out of this funk I am in.

Even if this is NOT the case, this is how I FEEL......

I enjoy living alone, but I hate being alone.

The majority of my friends don't express a vested interest in my life.

The majority of my friends are too worried about their lives to ask about mine.

The majority of my friends are too busy playing house.

I ask about my friends lives. Perhaps this is because I care, because I do so in avoiding to show weakness of that of my own life, or because I don't want to EVER be the reason they feel like I do now, so I go out of my way to make them feel good.

I am great at giving advice, but I am to stubborn to take my own advice.

I go to the same places out of comfort, but know that I won't meet anyone worthwhile or new.

I get in my car and cry just so my friends don't have to be bothered.

Sometimes when I cry, I do not know the reason for it.

This leads me to think that I am unhappily happy. I come to this conclusion because it is obvious that I am not happy that I am unhappy, but want to find happiness and sometimes I do so while being unhappy as a whole.

And it Was Over Lick-ety Split

I moved to New Jersey with 2 friends that I met on MySpace; Sweet Charity and Nanny Mongo 911. At this time that number has dropped down to 0. Nanny Mongo 911 should be named differently seeing as how she lost her job, but considering I haven't the effort to think of something appropriate for her without being a complete bitch, I will leave her name as is. Nanny Mongo 911 and I were never as close as Sweet Charity and I were, and I think this bothered her. I think in some twisted way, she was jealous that I would steal her girlfriend from her. I am not homophobic by any means, but I prefer sausage to taco, and that is the way it has always been and always will be. It is a shame to have lost Sweet Charity as a friend, but I haven't the effort to constantly feel the need to justify my words, my actions, and according to Nanny Mongo 911, the way I STARE at people. I have never been told that I stare at people or anything like that, but I'll just let that slide and take her word for it for lack of giving a shit.

Saturday the 16th, I had called Sweet Charity and Nanny Mongo 911 after having dinner with my parents at a restaurant owned by Brinker International. I had taken my car separate from my parents in case I was going out afterwards to avoid having to drive home, get my car, then leave again. They said they weren't in the mood to hang out that night and that we would try to get together the following day. I must clarify that no one is obligated to hang out with me, and personally I wouldn't want to hang out with someone that feels like they HAVE to hang out with me. I was fine with the fact that they were not up for company, told Nanny Mongo 911 the same thing, and drove home where I watched a movie with my parents and enjoyed my recently purchased TV for the first time since I have moved here.

Monday the 18th I felt under the weather and didn't make it to work. I got on my computer at home to check my emails, and Sweet Charity was online. We started talking. She said that Nanny Mongo 911 told her that I was pissed about Saturday and that I hung up on her so things were weird. I told Sweet Charity that I was not upset, that I would call and tell Nanny Mongo 911 the same thing just to reassure that my words were not misconstrued. I left a message telling her this and went on with the rest of my day.

Wednesday the 20th I went over to a co worker's house and watched a movie and on my way home I called Sweet Charity. No answer. At this point I figured something was up because we usually talk a few times a week and I have been getting the cold shoulder.

Yesterday I wrote Nanny Mongo 911 an email asking her when a good time to get my shoes and lunchbox would be. I had left them there the Friday before. We had gone out that night, and I had gone to their house directly from work leaving my belongings there when we went out. She writes me back saying that I can pick my things up on the upstairs porch because they were having company and if that was not convenient, she just didn't know what else to do because they were busy the rest of the week.

I wrote Sweet Charity instead, because she tends to be the more level headed one, and seeing how she was not the one I had talked to on the phone on Saturday I assumed she would be better to talk to. If I told her I was not mad, she should believe it, after all she was not the one on the phone with me and apparently still doesn't know the truth because her idiotic, jealous girlfriend felt the need to turn her against me. I asked her that if that day wasn't convenient seeing as how they were leaving my shit outside, they can opt to send it to me with their postage returned to them for the "inconvenience". This seemed to be more inconvenient for them, so I said I would pick it up and that be the end of it.

I went over there after work and interestingly enough Sweet Charity's coworker, whose wedding I had attended was there as well. I saw her car and heard their voices outside and from below. They were all outside like the immature people I thought they were not. Well, I already knew about Nanny Mongo 911, because when she decided to dump Sweet Charity and take it back a few days later she had dropped me off her MySpace friends list for being there. This is completely another issue that I should get into because she dumps her girlfriend, tells her she is in love with someone else, tells her she still loves her, and that she was doing it for her. This is all bullshit because if she really LOVED her, she wouldn't have dumped her, and she would have been glad that she had a friend like me that was there for her when she was such a mess. She didn't care. She just was rejected by the girl she was still in love with so decided to stick around and retract her break up for the meantime, until it happens again that is.

Needless to say, they are full of DRAMA, and I could care less to deal with all of that shit.

The title lick-ety split has to do with the fact that they are of the lezzy persuasion..... I just thought it was clever. If I left anything out, I will add to it later, enough of the bullshit for the meantime.

Are you serious?

I received this email today after jokingly asking my friend Karaoke King why I was bumped down on his "top friends" list on MySpace......

"Everyone gets shuffled around from time to time and this is exactly why I deleted my first Myspace page... people cryin' about not being the #1 friend. Sad yes..and fucking stupid. But...if you need a reason.. This whole this last week about me changing plans and how you're hurt over it is a bunch of stupid bologna. You changed our plans Monday and did I cry over it? No. Then you proceed to berate me because I wouldn't further change my plans to help you. Well, I'm sorry. Then, I see that you blog about the whole situation and you fail to reveal the reason I changed plans, trying to make yourself look "holy-er-than-thou" and that is the last straw. I believe I've treated you well. I've gone above and beyond to hook you up with drinks and dinner and such and for what? I'm a nice guy. I didn't hit on you or make you uncomfortable..I was just there to hang with. I believe part of your anger about the plans thing is that you expected me to pay for your dinner because I'd been so willing in the past. Well, times they are a changin. Seeing you so hung up on all this has really changed the way I look at you. It's sad. You're one of the only ladies I know who's intelligent, fun and beautiful yet you can't function alone. I'm removing the sign from my back that says "STEP HERE". I'm letting you know now NOT to plan on Tuesday night...I have plans already with other friends. It was fun while it lasted. I hope you get all you're looking for when you move to NJ. Good luck. Oh yeah...and inviting your friend to dinner, having drinks and expecting me to pony up for it was pretty bold. Thank goodness that won't be happening again. "

I surely wasn't expecting that from him. It bothers me that he even thinks that way. I am no one to convince anyone else otherwise, because I lack the effort to even attempt trying. If this is how I come off to other people, so be it; the ones that really know me know that this isn't the case.

As far as the tab, my friend ate what I had left on my plate from my meal. The only thing that she ordered was one beer and I had the same. When the bill came I asked him if he wanted to split it down the middle, then retreated and said "Oh no, I forgot we both (my friend and I) had a beer each", he said it was fine, I double checked and that was it. I mean, I will give you your $3.50 extra that you paid. If I am not mistaken, I split the total bill with him, including the edamame I didn't order and whatnot, but if that is such a big deal, my bad. I didn't realize it was like that. I should have busted out the calculator.



I guess this just proves that people get offended when they are called out. As far as the Monday night deal and my backing out, he was offering to pay for a massage, so in the long run I am glad I backed out. I wouldn't dare want that thrown in my face.

I never asked him to pay for anything for me; he offered. The point of the matter is to not offer something to someone if you are going to shove it back in their face. It really isn't a gift when you talk about it so much. Let me pay for myself, I never said you had to do it.

This just proves to me more and more my justification for leaving Houston. I love Houston, I mean I grew up here, but everything has changed so much from when I loved it here, I loved being here, and I loved the people here. It surely isn't the same.

Also, plans are plans. Don't get upset with me for not keeping your end of the bargain and being called out in a blog. When I cancelled, it was to....
1) Not have you spend YOUR money on me
2) To get my TV that I had been waiting for nearly a month for
and
3) I called the lady myself to cancel, therefore not inconveniencing you in any manner

What else do you want from me? You get mad that I cancel something you were going to pay $35 for, to do something important, but are upset that we split a tab where a $3.50 drink was on there. I am sure we didn't order the exact same thing, and with you ordering a la carte, are you sure I didn't pick up some of your tab? Do you know for a fact? I wasn't meticulous in the unveiling of the receipt. I guess we will never know.

Maybe I will go and order the exact same thing we both did to decipher the results, if it is such a big deal.

Next time the calculator will be present, say no more.

Why am I such a sensitive person?

I am the type of person that gets emotional over everything. I try to not let things get to me, but I can't help it. I am a sap. I cry at movies, I cry when I am upset, and I cry when I am sad. It is hard for me to not take things personally. I guess it is because I have been let down so many times that I try to give people the benefit of the doubt, but when they disappoint me, I can't help but become emotional over it. When people make plans with me, I hold them to those plans. Maybe my expectations of people are wrong. Maybe I look at things differently than I should. Maybe I shouldn't take things so personally. Maybe I should go with the flow and not make plans; that way I wouldn't be disappointed. If I never made any plans and received a call at the right time, then I should just do it. I am not like that. I don't go out often. I don't feel like I have many friends. I have a few friends, and most of the time, they are too busy for me. Most times I can't be penciled in because other people's lives are more eventful than that of my own. I want to do more things. I want to be invited places. I want people to want to hang out with me. I don't want people to feel obligated to call me, or obligated to be my friend. I never want someone to invite me just because someone else says something, but because they want me to be there. I know this probably sounds worse than it is. I just feel so alone. I go home everyday to a wonderful companion, my cat Oliver. He is always excited to see me, and that makes me feel good. He looks forward to me coming home, and when he hears me coming, he is by the door waiting for me. Oliver greets me with a Meow everytime I walk into my apartment. He is the one thing I look forward to when I dread going home and being by myself. I am the only one of most my friends that is single, or doesn't have children, or lives alone. It sucks. Sometimes I am tired of just hanging out with myself.

Uninvolved: Tired of the drama

So, I talked to Fuzzy McCootersnatch today. I don't want to be mad at her anymore. I think I let things get to me that I just blow up, and other people that interfere don't make the situation any better. I don't mind my job. What does bother me, is that people are so consumed in every one's business, and it drives me nuts. It is so hard to keep up with all the bullshit, so why even let it get to me? Fuzzy McCootersnatch was the first person I connected to here, and I don't think things she may have said or done were intentionally done maliciously. She is a good person deep down, and as far as giving a damn about anyone here, she is the one that I actually care about. If I didn't care about her like this, I wouldn't get upset, or bothered, or enraged that I felt betrayed by her. She didn't even go to the party that was held by Jugs on Saturday. All this stink and no reason for it. I get my feelings hurt quite a bit, and honestly, why would I want to be somewhere when people don't want me there? I am tired of the drama. I just want to be happy. I just want other people to be happy, and I don't want people to pretend that they are here for me when they aren't. There is no need for that. I don't want to waste my time with someone if they really don't want to be friends with me. There is too much time for those that do, so why let it get to me? When times are rough, you know who your friends are. No matter how big or small an argument is, we all come around if we are both in the same place, and we both care. Like I said before, I don't want to be mad at her, because she is better than the rest of these douche nards.

My sunshine

My bestest friend in the world, Antibelle is coming to visit me soon. I can not even begin to tell you how excited I am for this. I last saw Antibelle in January of 2006. Her presence is long over due. Whenever I am down, or pissed, or just needing someone to talk to, she is always there for me no matter what. Our mutual friend, Mr. Cable Guy is also coming. Antibelle is the greatest person I have ever met, and will ever meet for that matter. No matter what is going on with me, she is there. She makes me feel better about myself. She lets me know that even when I feel like I have nothing, she is there. It really sucks that she is so far away from me. I thought that us living on separate sides of our college town was far enough. In college, we lived approximately 5 minutes away from one another. Now, the person I most relate to is 1,429 miles away. I am applying for positions where my parents live. If I end up going there, I will only be 263 miles (about 4 hours 34 mins) away. Antibelle is my sunshine. She lets me know that even if I don't have many people here in the Lone Star State, I am not alone. It goes to show that people you meet in college can be your friends no matter where they are transplanted. Life is so strange sometimes. Every morning while driving to work, the sun splatters my windshield of my car giving me a sign that my Antibelle is out there. Distance can't do anything to a friendship like ours. One day, my dearest friend will be the Maid of Honor at my wedding (to be determined), and the god mother of my children (also to be determined). I just want to thank her for what we have together. I will never find another sunshine, but if anyone is interested in a full moon, just let me know.......

A happy start to a pissed off beginning

At the current moment there isn't anything wrong. I glance at the clock and see it is only 2:45PM; there is so much potential for things to get screwed up. After all, there are 9 hours and 15 minutes left before the day is over. I did get paid today....... That is a good thing. Let's see, what can I bitch about? Well, there are people at work that seem to thrive off making my life miserable. I was quoted today "Beware the ides of March" regarding Caesar Augustus. I think people here are plotting my assassination. It is so hard to keep up with everyone around here. I cannot make any promises that I will be pissed off everyday, but I can assure you I am more often pissed off than not.