When it Rains it Pours......

So much has been going on in my life recently that I feel like it is the perfect time to start writing again to get some things off my chest.

I have a great job that I love, but the pay sucks....

I have a crappy living situation that I cannot control....

I was recently caught up in some legal matters....

And at this point in my life, I feel I need to assess and address who my friends are.

All this being said, the friend issue seems to be the most clear. I feel I must start all over again, and wipe away all the fake, insincere people out of my life. This leaves me with only the friends I have that don't live in the town I just so happen to live in. My best friend in Austin is a keeper, and my Taco in New Jersey is a keeper.... I think that is about it. With having friends in different cities and states comes another one of my issues.....

I can't legally drive right now. I also can't legally leave the county without written permission from a judge.

I live with my ex. He just so happens to be an extremely abusive person and feels the need to verbally abuse me on a regular basis.... almost to the point where I want to disappear or just vanish. After all this is said and done, I feel I will need extensive therapy myself.

With my current job, it is a way to establish myself in my ultimate career goal, however it is IMPOSSIBLE to live on my own. I took this job to get my foot in the door, however I am making half of what I have been used to making. With this being said, I feel that my ex thinks it is appropriate to abuse me on a daily basis just because "he can".

I really am at a loss right now, and I am aware that feeling down on myself will accomplish nothing. I know that it will not help me find any friends, or find a guy that wants to be with me for the long haul.... I feel that no one will want to be with me until I am happy and right with myself.

I want to be happy and right with myself.....

I have done things to try to get a clearer head and more of a positive outlook on life. I am going to the gym regularly, have lost 20 lbs, and have been smoke free for 2 months.

Also given the current situation, I am currently not drinking and have not touched alcohol for 10 days..... however I was never a heavy drinker. As far as "other things".... my last day was December 31, 2010..... had to end the year with a bang.

So here it is, all laid out and no resolution. I need a change for the better... I need friends that actually care instead of just "saying" they do.... I need to distance myself from those who have hurt me and continue to hurt me... I need a way to earn extra income... And ultimately, I need to be happy and right with myself....

Any questions?

Unhappily Happy/Happily Unhappy

I am typically not the kind of person that keeps things in, but lately I feel very alone and feel that I don't have anyone to talk that is close. I probably should rephrase that to mean that I have friends that are so consumed with their own issues to have time to ask me about mine, but at the same time, I don't offer the information. I also try to be happy and positive, but on the inside I am really depressed, alone, and questioning if I will EVER find what I am looking for; what I have waited my whole life for. The moments I have with my friends lately are brief, therefore I don't use that time to express the deep depression that I feel. I try to show a vested interest in others, and by that, I push my emotions in the corner to be revisited later, when I am alone. I find myself crying as I walk to my car leaving a friends place. Why am I crying? There probably isn't one reason, but an overwhelming number of reasons that consumes me to breaking points. I don't like people seeing me like that, and as a result, my boss has seen me break down more times than I would like to admit.

Why do people get depressed? I remember having gone through this a long time ago, and being put on medication for it. I don't want to resort to that again, but I can't get out of this funk I am in.

Even if this is NOT the case, this is how I FEEL......

I enjoy living alone, but I hate being alone.

The majority of my friends don't express a vested interest in my life.

The majority of my friends are too worried about their lives to ask about mine.

The majority of my friends are too busy playing house.

I ask about my friends lives. Perhaps this is because I care, because I do so in avoiding to show weakness of that of my own life, or because I don't want to EVER be the reason they feel like I do now, so I go out of my way to make them feel good.

I am great at giving advice, but I am to stubborn to take my own advice.

I go to the same places out of comfort, but know that I won't meet anyone worthwhile or new.

I get in my car and cry just so my friends don't have to be bothered.

Sometimes when I cry, I do not know the reason for it.

This leads me to think that I am unhappily happy. I come to this conclusion because it is obvious that I am not happy that I am unhappy, but want to find happiness and sometimes I do so while being unhappy as a whole.