I Got More Ups and Downs Than a Wave Pool

I find this somewhat amusing, but I have performed for hundreds and thousands of people, and right now I am nervous. Perhaps I am nervous because I am playing me in life and not someone else. Perhaps it has nothing to do with that at all. Maybe it is because my stage doesn't appear to be a stage at all, but at present, Houston, Texas (or the world, if you will).

I forgot how I get when I really like someone. Even though I tend to be pretty outspoken, when I REALLY like someone, I get shy and nervous. I do love the part right at the beginning when you don't really know what the other is thinking and you are not sure what will be next. All you know is that there is a connection, chemistry, and you go with the flow with anticipation to reveal the next chapters in your love story. This is where I am now.

For the most part, I have never really had to try very hard when it comes to guys. They like you, you like them, done deal. Then I think. I think of if the connection was so intense and mutual, why am I single now? Perhaps there was a chapter I overlooked, or ignored, just skipping to the end. Then, the end is what I have found. End of the excitement, end of the not knowing stage, and as a result, end of the relationship. Only in the past, it took about a year to finish every chapter.

Perhaps this is how it is with books that you just are not that into. When I pick up a book that I REALLY like, I can't put it down, so why wouldn't this be the same with a guy I REALLY like. I think it should.

This book that I am reading, or guy that I am interested in if you rather, is like that book you can't put down. I want to know what happens next, and I refuse to put the book down. This guy, however, has long chapters. Where it may take a day to read a chapter, I am finding is taking me quite longer. Perhaps the long drawn out chapters that isn't necessarily an easy read is just what I need..... but I am still anxious to know the rest of his story.

We met over half my life ago. We went to high school together and were both part of the R.O.T.C. program. Even though I remembered him, I didn't remember details. I didn't remember that he had a crush on me back then, and I wasn't aware that I even wrote something pertaining to his crush on me in his yearbook. He told me that I wrote something along the lines of "next time you like someone, tell them". I followed my own advice 14 years later. He is quite aware that it is now I that is crushing over him.

So, here I am thinking of 14 years ago. Not remembering that particular scene at this time, I must have known his feelings for me at that time. I kind of like the fact that I refused to acknowledge his crush on me since he refused to act upon it. What can I say, I am a balls to the wall type of girl. If I feel something, I go with it, leading to where I am now.

So I wonder if the story starts now, or if it started 14 years ago. Oh what a great story that would be to tell the kiddos, but like I said before..... not skipping any chapters this go round!

When I saw him for the first time in this chapter, it was 12 years later. I am guessing that if the book started back then, the period where we lost touch consisted of chapters of him living his life, and me living mine, only to be reconnected so the book has a point, right?

He had a picture of the two of us back in high school. He showed it to me when I went to his place. It was in a memory drawer. I feel honored to be in his memory drawer, especially since sometimes MY memory is faulty. With slight to no interaction during those 12 years, I still was special enough to be lumped into a drawer of specific memories. As a side note, we REALLY need to take another picture together, because I am not a huge fan of the one he has..... not to mention his eyes are closed and I am (what seems to be) talking!

I think there is a lot to be said about touch. I think touching can be so innocent, but so sensual at the same time. I went over to his apartment on Saturday night. We sat there, inching closer and closer to each other, touching. I ran my fingers across his arm, then his face, and towards the end of our evening together, we were close to one another, holding and touching each other, my face next to him, my breath on his neck. I didn't want to leave, but at 4 something in the morning, I did. I also didn't want him to feel as if I was imposing on him or his personal space, and quite frankly, I refused to invite myself to stay. As I went to leave, we hugged for what seemed like 5 minutes, and then we both turned away and I left.

I am intrigued by him. I know he has some issues from his past that he is holding in, and I feel that he is fighting with himself, but at the same time, I am not in a rush. I want something that can last forever, and that takes time. I like the whole "getting to know you" part and not just "wham bam thank you ma'am". My friend Psycho once asked me a question that I love. He said "when you and your partner are old and gray and are incapable of having sex, would you be able to still fully enjoy their company?" I think with how the majority of relationships go these days, no, but with seeing someone you see about every other day and still haven't kissed, definitely. There has to be something about him for me to want to be around him, want to see him, and want to do everything and nothing with him. So I am fine with the no kissing deal right off the bat, and not jumping in the sack right away. I like that he isn't being pushy, if anyone is..... it is me.

I am having him over for dinner tonight, and I am very excited and nervous. I want to impress him, but not look vulnerable at the same time. Yes, I am lonely, but no, I don't want him to be a filler. I want there to be more to this story, and I want my happy ending!

Unhappily Happy/Happily Unhappy

I am typically not the kind of person that keeps things in, but lately I feel very alone and feel that I don't have anyone to talk that is close. I probably should rephrase that to mean that I have friends that are so consumed with their own issues to have time to ask me about mine, but at the same time, I don't offer the information. I also try to be happy and positive, but on the inside I am really depressed, alone, and questioning if I will EVER find what I am looking for; what I have waited my whole life for. The moments I have with my friends lately are brief, therefore I don't use that time to express the deep depression that I feel. I try to show a vested interest in others, and by that, I push my emotions in the corner to be revisited later, when I am alone. I find myself crying as I walk to my car leaving a friends place. Why am I crying? There probably isn't one reason, but an overwhelming number of reasons that consumes me to breaking points. I don't like people seeing me like that, and as a result, my boss has seen me break down more times than I would like to admit.

Why do people get depressed? I remember having gone through this a long time ago, and being put on medication for it. I don't want to resort to that again, but I can't get out of this funk I am in.

Even if this is NOT the case, this is how I FEEL......

I enjoy living alone, but I hate being alone.

The majority of my friends don't express a vested interest in my life.

The majority of my friends are too worried about their lives to ask about mine.

The majority of my friends are too busy playing house.

I ask about my friends lives. Perhaps this is because I care, because I do so in avoiding to show weakness of that of my own life, or because I don't want to EVER be the reason they feel like I do now, so I go out of my way to make them feel good.

I am great at giving advice, but I am to stubborn to take my own advice.

I go to the same places out of comfort, but know that I won't meet anyone worthwhile or new.

I get in my car and cry just so my friends don't have to be bothered.

Sometimes when I cry, I do not know the reason for it.

This leads me to think that I am unhappily happy. I come to this conclusion because it is obvious that I am not happy that I am unhappy, but want to find happiness and sometimes I do so while being unhappy as a whole.

Who Wants to be Sad All the Time?

I don't.....

I talked to New Jersey today. Well, he talked to me. I went to Karate after my brother's swimming lesson and he asked me to step outside. I did. He told me that I shouldn't have called. I already knew that the second I pressed call and there was no turning back, but I also didn't think it appropriate to just hang up either. And oddly enough, his girlfriend was there. Figures, right? Well for all I know he could have moved her in. After all, he did say he needed a woman's touch when we were talking, guess it would be wrong to assume it was MY touch just cause I have the parts, right? Anyway I cried, again, and this time in front of his face. I couldn't help it. I feel he led me on in the beginning, and the second that something else came along, something more familiar, I was put back on top of the shelf to collect dust. I am so sick of the same routine, but I find myself allowing it to happen over and over again. I think it is because I automatically assume that with a different person comes a different scenario, right? Wrong. The same series of events, just in their own way. Maybe it is me. Maybe it isn't. I feel like I lose more of myself and hope each time it occurs, so when someone good finally decides to come along, I may just be empty and hollow inside. That would be hard though, cause even though I am a bitch, I still always manage to have plenty of love to give. I just want to feel it for once instead of handing it all out. I know you have to give to receive, but this is just ridiculous. I don't have to have it now, but I don't want to cry about not having it. I also don't care to be made to feel worse for not having it. Can The guys that know they are douches break our hearts without shoving it in our faces? Is that too much to ask?