Crying Myself to Sleep

Last night I cried myself to sleep. I can't really explain it, but it happened. I also called New Jersey and left a message, which I most likely should not have done. I couldn't sleep and I was thinking about him since I had left the Karate place. I think the message was somewhere along the lines of ....

"Meeting you was interesting. I couldn't stop thinking of you since, so I called and I figure you are asleep. I mean no harm by calling, I just couldn't sleep".

It was weird, because for a period of time I was talking to this guy 3-4 times a day, emailing constantly throughout the day, and planning packages to send to him. Then he breaks my heart before I even meet him, and when I see him I am reminded of all this. From what I understand now it is his girlfriend that is far away. Irony huh? I think he only gets to see her on the weekends so hopefully my call caused him no trouble. If so however she can accept that my call was harmless, or be ready for a Texas sized ass whooping, which I am sure is a hell of a lot harder than what she has to offer. After all, everything is bigger and better in Texas.

As far as the crying myself to sleep thing, I think I am just lonely and wanting so badly to be loved. My last real relationship I loved and he didn't, so reciprocation would be appreciated. I feel I give too much and get nothing in return with guys. I am just tired of it, and want the next thing that comes my way to be something real. I am tired of not being treated the way I treat others. I want to give and to love, but it is hard when the person that you are with isn't mature enough or ready to give it.

Why am I such a sensitive person?

I am the type of person that gets emotional over everything. I try to not let things get to me, but I can't help it. I am a sap. I cry at movies, I cry when I am upset, and I cry when I am sad. It is hard for me to not take things personally. I guess it is because I have been let down so many times that I try to give people the benefit of the doubt, but when they disappoint me, I can't help but become emotional over it. When people make plans with me, I hold them to those plans. Maybe my expectations of people are wrong. Maybe I look at things differently than I should. Maybe I shouldn't take things so personally. Maybe I should go with the flow and not make plans; that way I wouldn't be disappointed. If I never made any plans and received a call at the right time, then I should just do it. I am not like that. I don't go out often. I don't feel like I have many friends. I have a few friends, and most of the time, they are too busy for me. Most times I can't be penciled in because other people's lives are more eventful than that of my own. I want to do more things. I want to be invited places. I want people to want to hang out with me. I don't want people to feel obligated to call me, or obligated to be my friend. I never want someone to invite me just because someone else says something, but because they want me to be there. I know this probably sounds worse than it is. I just feel so alone. I go home everyday to a wonderful companion, my cat Oliver. He is always excited to see me, and that makes me feel good. He looks forward to me coming home, and when he hears me coming, he is by the door waiting for me. Oliver greets me with a Meow everytime I walk into my apartment. He is the one thing I look forward to when I dread going home and being by myself. I am the only one of most my friends that is single, or doesn't have children, or lives alone. It sucks. Sometimes I am tired of just hanging out with myself.