Tuesday, January 25, 2011

When it Rains it Pours......

So much has been going on in my life recently that I feel like it is the perfect time to start writing again to get some things off my chest.

I have a great job that I love, but the pay sucks....

I have a crappy living situation that I cannot control....

I was recently caught up in some legal matters....

And at this point in my life, I feel I need to assess and address who my friends are.

All this being said, the friend issue seems to be the most clear. I feel I must start all over again, and wipe away all the fake, insincere people out of my life. This leaves me with only the friends I have that don't live in the town I just so happen to live in. My best friend in Austin is a keeper, and my Taco in New Jersey is a keeper.... I think that is about it. With having friends in different cities and states comes another one of my issues.....

I can't legally drive right now. I also can't legally leave the county without written permission from a judge.

I live with my ex. He just so happens to be an extremely abusive person and feels the need to verbally abuse me on a regular basis.... almost to the point where I want to disappear or just vanish. After all this is said and done, I feel I will need extensive therapy myself.

With my current job, it is a way to establish myself in my ultimate career goal, however it is IMPOSSIBLE to live on my own. I took this job to get my foot in the door, however I am making half of what I have been used to making. With this being said, I feel that my ex thinks it is appropriate to abuse me on a daily basis just because "he can".

I really am at a loss right now, and I am aware that feeling down on myself will accomplish nothing. I know that it will not help me find any friends, or find a guy that wants to be with me for the long haul.... I feel that no one will want to be with me until I am happy and right with myself.

I want to be happy and right with myself.....

I have done things to try to get a clearer head and more of a positive outlook on life. I am going to the gym regularly, have lost 20 lbs, and have been smoke free for 2 months.

Also given the current situation, I am currently not drinking and have not touched alcohol for 10 days..... however I was never a heavy drinker. As far as "other things".... my last day was December 31, 2010..... had to end the year with a bang.

So here it is, all laid out and no resolution. I need a change for the better... I need friends that actually care instead of just "saying" they do.... I need to distance myself from those who have hurt me and continue to hurt me... I need a way to earn extra income... And ultimately, I need to be happy and right with myself....

Any questions?

Change? Pictures, Images and Photos

Friday, June 5, 2009

I May Have Lost a Friend, But I Found a Long Lost Friend/ Tribute to my Weekend Roomie

Las Vegas Pictures, Images and Photos

I suppose I should start by saying that I don't have many friends. In high school and shit like that I did, but as I grew older, I realized that those people were more like acquaintances. Now, I view the term friend a bit differently. I think of the people I can call on, the people that are there for me when I need them, and the people that I would be there for no matter what if they need me.

Weekend Roomie and I have become quite close since we first reconnected after ten years time. Although I lost Belle as a friend, it was kind of like I was making room for someone that "wanted" to be my friend, and getting all the insincere people out of my life. I thought it was funny when Weekend Roomie told me she would submit her application for the Best Friend Position that had opened up, but to be honest, she didn't even need to apply.

Weekend Roomie and I have a lot of fun together. When we talk on the phone, 95% of the time we are cracking up laughing. I have known her since 8th grade, and to be honest, seeing her after 10 years time was like nothing had changed and we picked up exactly where we left off, just older and with more possibilities to have fun and do things.

I called Weekend Roomie on Monday to wish her a Happy Birthday. She then told me that her and her 2 brothers (they all work together) were talking about taking a trip to Las Vegas and having the company foot the bill. She told me that it would only be fair if she were able to have a plus 1 for her, because her brothers are married and would be taking their wives and children and it being equally their money, she said she should be able to take someone as well. Guess who she invited? ME!!! When we were talking about it and asked me if I wanted to go, I told her that I would not be able to afford that especially with such short notice, and she said "All you need is spending and play money. You don't have to worry with anything else, we have your flight and hotel".

We are going to Vegas for the 22nd to the 26th of June. That is Monday thru Friday. I know we will have a blast, because we always do.

Now tell me that is not a friend..... I bet you can't.

Monday, May 18, 2009

Some People Lack Common Sense

While in Austin this weekend, I get a text from my boss telling me how my ex is at this black tie event sitting close to him with a drop dead gorgeous female by his side. What I really want to know, is my boss a fucking idiot or what? I mean, I couldn't care less who my ex is with, and I most certainly do not need my boss spying for me or acting as my informer. If I cared, I could have found that out all by myself. I write him back "that's good" and go about my business.

I come into work today, and he says "so you wanna hear the scoop?"..... He tells me that he was mistaken, and that the drop dead gorgeous female was on one side, and that he was with the lady on the other side. Turns out they both had on rings, and according to my boss they were "making out".... First, I don't think that is very likely or at all in character of the ex at a black tie event, and secondly, I figured he would go back to his wife (because he can't be alone and she is dumb enough to accept him even though she is a last resort or back up plan), the thing I still want to know if how does this apply to my boss? Is this any of his business? Why is he acting as a messenger? AND, have I acted like I care, or have I asked him? No. He needs to back the fuck up and recognize his place.... As my employer, not my fucking stalker or detective.

I amazes me what guys will do to try and get their dick wet. It is like ever since he told me he was infatuated with me, he is trying to push my buttons, and he is trying to be an instigator. Sorry, not planning on tripping and falling and landing on your dick anytime soon.....

I mean, does he not realize that there are boundaries and a level of respect you should hold? Don't get into any one's personal life if you aren't invited, and don't put your nose where it doesn't belong.

I Look Like Shit Today? Tell me What You Really Think....

make up Pictures, Images and Photos

So, I came into work on Friday and my boss asked me if I had stayed up all night. I said no, and he proceeded to tell me that I looked like shit. I told him the only difference was that I didn't have on any make up, but that I often do not wear make up to work. He told me that he felt he needed to "clear the air" and "get it out"..... first off, that is an opinion, and secondly, I could have gone the whole day without having heard what he has to say in regards to my appearance.

I should have just told him to quit being mad that I won't let him fuck me like he wants and to just get over it, or that he is ugly everyday, but I figured it caused less harm to just keep my mouth shut. Perhaps I am leading, and he should follow my example. That is like telling someone they look fat when they didn't even ask you if they did. What the fuck?!?!

I should have known he was shallow when I met him, seeing as how he wanted a picture sent along with my resume, but if you aren't a model, don't expect one!!!

Make Up. Pictures, Images and Photos

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

This Blog is Called Why I am Always Pissed Off for a Reason

emo Pictures, Images and Photos

I started this blog when my best friend at the time told me it would be a good way to get things off my chest. Because she was far away (and having recently found out she never gave a shit) this was my way to vent about things. To say what was bottled in, and have it go somewhere rather than just building up and making me explode later.

One thing I have never been a fan of is fake people. I try to be as honest and open as possible, and I don't care to make room for people that are fake and full of shit. I may have issues with depression, anxiety, sleeping, etc... but I am not a fake person, and I don't pretend to care if I don't. The so called "best friend" recently wrote me an email pointing out (according to her) my flaws, but failed to hear what I had to say in return. First off, I have never tried to tell her how much of a shitty friend she has been to me, even when I felt it. She, however must have felt validated by doing this to me though.... perhaps it made her feel better about herself.

I can name numerous things I have done to be good to this person. I even helped her shed (how much was it again) over 50 pounds. Talk about being a good friend and a motivator. Not to mention I donated to her causes, bought her shirts, and even had my parents donate to her causes. I am afraid she has never supported any of mine.

I think it is funny that she always categorizes herself as being a commitment phobe. She started getting close to this guy, he wants to move in, and then she breaks it off with him. She did basically the opposite with me.

When we were in college or in the same town, we were inseparable. She then moved away and we saw each other every once in a while. I graduated, and left too. Then we saw each other even less. We used to talk everyday on the phone, but then it became a matter of convenience for her. When I moved up north and was only 4 hours away from her, she didn't want to put in the equal amount of effort it would take to see one another. I suppose since I was far away and not immediately available to her, she just gave up on me, and gave up on our friendship as well.

The thing that bothers me the most is that she wrote me an email basically going off on me for being a shitty friend, but I don't ever think she stop to realize that she was being one herself (and for quite some time at that), and when called out, she chose to ignore me..... a very mature thing to do, but nonetheless, she stopped being a good friend to me a long time ago. I tried to look past it, and consider it was a different time, and we were far apart, but I felt her distancing herself for quite some time. Her excuses for not coming to visit went from tires on her truck, to time off work, to money, but then again that didn't stop her from going to see other people and going other places, and not to mention driving the same truck she didn't want to come see me in..... things that make you go hmmmmm.

All of this is fine actually, but the only thing I have left to say is this.....

If you want to initiate a conversation in which you mention someones flaws, then be prepared to see it through. Be willing to listen to what the other person has to say in return, because if not, there was no point in having said your peace..... your mind was already made up.

I wish you well, and I hope you have a great life. I hope that one day you will be able to commit to someone and be happy. I hope no one ever calls you out on being a shitty friend without letting you respond and who doesn't ignore you. I also hope that your friends don't move out of state and leave you to turn into a shitty friend to them as you did to me long ago, and I hope when people ask about your problems, that they actually care about them. Maybe one day you will grow up and realize all of this, and maybe you will push your pride aside and call me...... and MAYBE I will be there to answer your call.

emo Pictures, Images and Photos

Monday, May 4, 2009

The Thought of Moving in Together

neon blue heart Pictures, Images and Photos

Boyfriend: I meant what I said
Me: I would hope so
Me: It would please me if this is it....
Boyfriend: Meaning you and I forever?
Me: Yes
Boyfriend: I think I'd be happy too. You are beautiful in the morning.
Me: That is a good plus then, I suppose
Boyfriend: Well, if I wake up with you every morning, it's a plus for me.
Me: Well, shit..... Why do we pay 2 rents? Ha. Kidding.
Boyfriend: But are you really?
Me: So so to either I suppose.
Me: If we stayed together every night it would be dumb to pay for 2 places.
Me: Even a 2 bedroom would be cheaper, you know? But, at the same time, it would be soon to do something like that right this second.
Boyfriend: I know. Believe it or not, that crossed my mind. Who knows what the future holds though.
Me: That is good to know. :) Plus, saving money is not bad either
Me: Anyways, sleep well my boyfriend.
Boyfriend: Only if you were here, but I'll try.
Me: No need to lie.....
Boyfriend: I'd rather sleep with you always waking up, than without you here. Not a lie.
Boyfriend: Good night sweetheart.
Me: Good night baby.

pictures Pictures, Images and Photos


This all was after him telling me (in person) that he should make a key to his place for me, so I could come over whenever I wanted to wash clothes. Also, when I go over to his house, I don't knock..... he wants me to just come in.

emo love Pictures, Images and Photos

Thursday, April 16, 2009

The Lights are Off and Somebody's Home.

I should start by saying that I hate stupid people. With the exception of this morning and my rude awakening, everything has been wonderful today, but this morning is enough to piss anyone off.

I got home late, and went to bed even later. I probably went to bed between midnight and one, but for a weeknight, that is late for me. I am the kind of person that is fully aware of how big of a bitch I am in the morning, so I try to avoid making it worse by trying to go to bed at a decent hour. As I was saying, I went to bed late, and finally fell asleep only to be waken up by my fucking idiot, douche bag neighbor.

I heard a knocking sound. Being that I was in deep sleep, I was unable to distinguish whether this was happening in my dream, or in reality. Once I finally opened my eyes and remained laying in the bed for a few minutes, I heard it again, then again, and again. It must have been going on for AT LEAST 30 minutes at this point. I jumped up, looked at the clock, and saw that it was only 6:00AM and still pitch black outside. I was also only in my underwear. I pulled a blanket around me and walked into the living room to the front door. Once I got to the door, I called out to see who it was (I was not about to open the door when I was half naked, when it is dark outside, when I am not expecting visitors, and when I cannot see without my glasses). The voice from the other side of the door was a female and she said "your neighbor".

I cracked the door and I asked her what she wanted. Then this bitch has the audacity to ask me to watch her car for a while cause she parked in a tow zone. I was furious. I told the girl I was sleeping and she said "oh, I am so sorry". This is bullshit. She knew I was sleeping because of multiple reasons.

tow mater Pictures, Images and Photos

1) After 30 minutes of continuous knocking I finally came to the door.
2) It was dark outside, and I didn't have any lights on in my house.
3) It was 6 in the FUCKING morning.
4) I was naked. (OK, so this COULD mean I just got done showering or I was doing the do, but those are also times you DON'T interrupt people).

I slammed the door in her face and tried to go back to bed.

I don't know what goes through people's head these days. First off, I ONLY went to the door, because after 30 minutes I figured it was an emergency or something. In 30 minutes time, this fucking dumb ass whore could have parked over a mile away and STILL made it back to her apartment prior to being done with knocking on MY door. Not only that, but we are not friends. I said "hi" possibly 3 times max, that doesn't mean "hey buddy, wake me up whenever because I want to be your best friend".

People have been killed for less. She should keep that in mind. Next time the nun chucks and dagger are coming to the door with me...... or should I use my throwing stars? Hmmmmmmm.......

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

If Reading is Your Thing.....

my horizontal life Pictures, Images and Photos

Great book. Read it in less than 2 days. Check it out!!!

Monday, April 13, 2009

Up like a Thong in my Ass, But Less Annoying....

normal Pictures, Images and Photos

Things are making their way on the ups these days. I had a great weekend. Weekend Roomie came over from Austin on Thursday night, leaving us with an extra day to hang out and do crazy shit. Although I am slightly sleep deprived from the series of events that took place this weekend, I had a pretty good time. Weekend Roomie met my handsome high school guy that I have yet to name. We all went for sushi on Friday for lunch, which was nice, and a little shocking. I guess he is trying to make an effort in stepping out of his comfort zone, because he told me a little while ago that he gets quiet and clams up around people he doesn't know. I must say I was very proud of him, because if he was shy or nervous, he did an incredible job of hiding it. With that being said, I really appreciated his willingness to "step out of the box" and try to socialize with people that are in my life.

As far as he and I go, I am very happy. He is amazing. I have found myself staying up way past my usual bedtimes, I wake up in a great mood considering I have had way less sleep, and I smile whenever I think about him. I enjoy having him around. I can't get enough of him. Where a normal person would have gone to sleep or start winding down once Weekend Roomie left, I got my stuff and headed over to his house instead. We had a movie on, but I don't remember all of what happened in the movie..... guess I should have paid better attention.

Weekend Roomie and I had fun. We ate lots of good food, went to Kemah for a car show, and participated in many extracurricular activities. After all was said and done, I was exhausted for having an extra day to fuck around with her..... I am the one that usually passes out first, and I was up WAY past my bedtime each night Thursday on. Man, I could really use a nap right about now.......


Vintage Quotes Pictures, Images and Photos

Thursday, April 9, 2009

Misery

When two miserable people come together, misery is not doubled but halved........ Someone told me that the other day, and I think it holds true. Even a generally unhappy person has great days, and misery enjoys company.

misery business Pictures, Images and Photos

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

I Got More Ups and Downs Than a Wave Pool

shadow Pictures, Images and Photos

I find this somewhat amusing, but I have performed for hundreds and thousands of people, and right now I am nervous. Perhaps I am nervous because I am playing me in life and not someone else. Perhaps it has nothing to do with that at all. Maybe it is because my stage doesn't appear to be a stage at all, but at present, Houston, Texas (or the world, if you will).

I forgot how I get when I really like someone. Even though I tend to be pretty outspoken, when I REALLY like someone, I get shy and nervous. I do love the part right at the beginning when you don't really know what the other is thinking and you are not sure what will be next. All you know is that there is a connection, chemistry, and you go with the flow with anticipation to reveal the next chapters in your love story. This is where I am now.

For the most part, I have never really had to try very hard when it comes to guys. They like you, you like them, done deal. Then I think. I think of if the connection was so intense and mutual, why am I single now? Perhaps there was a chapter I overlooked, or ignored, just skipping to the end. Then, the end is what I have found. End of the excitement, end of the not knowing stage, and as a result, end of the relationship. Only in the past, it took about a year to finish every chapter.

Perhaps this is how it is with books that you just are not that into. When I pick up a book that I REALLY like, I can't put it down, so why wouldn't this be the same with a guy I REALLY like. I think it should.

This book that I am reading, or guy that I am interested in if you rather, is like that book you can't put down. I want to know what happens next, and I refuse to put the book down. This guy, however, has long chapters. Where it may take a day to read a chapter, I am finding is taking me quite longer. Perhaps the long drawn out chapters that isn't necessarily an easy read is just what I need..... but I am still anxious to know the rest of his story.

We met over half my life ago. We went to high school together and were both part of the R.O.T.C. program. Even though I remembered him, I didn't remember details. I didn't remember that he had a crush on me back then, and I wasn't aware that I even wrote something pertaining to his crush on me in his yearbook. He told me that I wrote something along the lines of "next time you like someone, tell them". I followed my own advice 14 years later. He is quite aware that it is now I that is crushing over him.

So, here I am thinking of 14 years ago. Not remembering that particular scene at this time, I must have known his feelings for me at that time. I kind of like the fact that I refused to acknowledge his crush on me since he refused to act upon it. What can I say, I am a balls to the wall type of girl. If I feel something, I go with it, leading to where I am now.

So I wonder if the story starts now, or if it started 14 years ago. Oh what a great story that would be to tell the kiddos, but like I said before..... not skipping any chapters this go round!

When I saw him for the first time in this chapter, it was 12 years later. I am guessing that if the book started back then, the period where we lost touch consisted of chapters of him living his life, and me living mine, only to be reconnected so the book has a point, right?

He had a picture of the two of us back in high school. He showed it to me when I went to his place. It was in a memory drawer. I feel honored to be in his memory drawer, especially since sometimes MY memory is faulty. With slight to no interaction during those 12 years, I still was special enough to be lumped into a drawer of specific memories. As a side note, we REALLY need to take another picture together, because I am not a huge fan of the one he has..... not to mention his eyes are closed and I am (what seems to be) talking!

I think there is a lot to be said about touch. I think touching can be so innocent, but so sensual at the same time. I went over to his apartment on Saturday night. We sat there, inching closer and closer to each other, touching. I ran my fingers across his arm, then his face, and towards the end of our evening together, we were close to one another, holding and touching each other, my face next to him, my breath on his neck. I didn't want to leave, but at 4 something in the morning, I did. I also didn't want him to feel as if I was imposing on him or his personal space, and quite frankly, I refused to invite myself to stay. As I went to leave, we hugged for what seemed like 5 minutes, and then we both turned away and I left.

I am intrigued by him. I know he has some issues from his past that he is holding in, and I feel that he is fighting with himself, but at the same time, I am not in a rush. I want something that can last forever, and that takes time. I like the whole "getting to know you" part and not just "wham bam thank you ma'am". My friend Psycho once asked me a question that I love. He said "when you and your partner are old and gray and are incapable of having sex, would you be able to still fully enjoy their company?" I think with how the majority of relationships go these days, no, but with seeing someone you see about every other day and still haven't kissed, definitely. There has to be something about him for me to want to be around him, want to see him, and want to do everything and nothing with him. So I am fine with the no kissing deal right off the bat, and not jumping in the sack right away. I like that he isn't being pushy, if anyone is..... it is me.

I am having him over for dinner tonight, and I am very excited and nervous. I want to impress him, but not look vulnerable at the same time. Yes, I am lonely, but no, I don't want him to be a filler. I want there to be more to this story, and I want my happy ending!

shadow Pictures, Images and Photos

Monday, April 6, 2009

Unhappily Happy/Happily Unhappy

I am typically not the kind of person that keeps things in, but lately I feel very alone and feel that I don't have anyone to talk that is close. I probably should rephrase that to mean that I have friends that are so consumed with their own issues to have time to ask me about mine, but at the same time, I don't offer the information. I also try to be happy and positive, but on the inside I am really depressed, alone, and questioning if I will EVER find what I am looking for; what I have waited my whole life for. The moments I have with my friends lately are brief, therefore I don't use that time to express the deep depression that I feel. I try to show a vested interest in others, and by that, I push my emotions in the corner to be revisited later, when I am alone. I find myself crying as I walk to my car leaving a friends place. Why am I crying? There probably isn't one reason, but an overwhelming number of reasons that consumes me to breaking points. I don't like people seeing me like that, and as a result, my boss has seen me break down more times than I would like to admit.

Why do people get depressed? I remember having gone through this a long time ago, and being put on medication for it. I don't want to resort to that again, but I can't get out of this funk I am in.

Even if this is NOT the case, this is how I FEEL......

I enjoy living alone, but I hate being alone.

The majority of my friends don't express a vested interest in my life.

The majority of my friends are too worried about their lives to ask about mine.

The majority of my friends are too busy playing house.

I ask about my friends lives. Perhaps this is because I care, because I do so in avoiding to show weakness of that of my own life, or because I don't want to EVER be the reason they feel like I do now, so I go out of my way to make them feel good.

I am great at giving advice, but I am to stubborn to take my own advice.

I go to the same places out of comfort, but know that I won't meet anyone worthwhile or new.

I get in my car and cry just so my friends don't have to be bothered.

Sometimes when I cry, I do not know the reason for it.

This leads me to think that I am unhappily happy. I come to this conclusion because it is obvious that I am not happy that I am unhappy, but want to find happiness and sometimes I do so while being unhappy as a whole.

My life, Unedited and unrevised (2)

To this day, I still don’t know why my stepmother had a problem with me. I think it had something to do with my mother, but before starting on that, a little background. My dad was married to a lady for what only seemed like a month’s time. Coincidentally, this lady was sisters to my Kindergarten teacher. According to dad, shortly after exchanging vows, she decided she didn’t want to work. Guess dad had other plans, and they didn’t work out.

My stepmother had a pattern where she would get pregnant, then get married. She got knocked up when she was sixteen years old and married the man. She held true to her traditions, because this is how she managed to catch my dad. After my parents split up, they remained friends. This is odd to me considering what my mother had been through, but I am not one to judge other people’s actions. They were actually quite close and talked about things. I guess some people just get along better when they aren’t together. I understand that personally, but I will leave that for another chapter in my life. That having been said, my mother and father talked about the Bitch, and when my dad told my mother he was remarrying for the third time and with such short notice, my mom asked if the Bitch was pregnant. Personally, this is not the order I wish to go about things, but then again, them, not me. My dad reassured my mother that wasn’t the case, but turns out it was, and he knew it. My mom just knew something was up with him wanting to get married so soon after the last one, but she bit her tongue.

In English, my mother’s name is translated to something similar to the Bitch's name. With my father being involved with a lady named similar to that of my mom, I suppose a slip of the tongue is possible. I remember him calling her my mom's name once, and I remember her getting pissed about it. I think this is where her problem with me started. I think she had something against me being a product of my mother and father, but mainly because I was linked to my mother. The Bitch seemed to be very jealous of her, and as a result, she was a bitch to me. She made my life very difficult, and as a result, the seven months I spent there were pure Hell.

The Bitch made me call her Ms. Bitch. Personally, I don’t agree with that. You should refer to someone as Ms. or Mr. that you respect, or someone you don’t know, but to someone that I didn’t even like, Ms. was a stretch. My mom and I decided to call her BB instead; Big Bitch.

Living in her house was similar to living as Cinderella, with the exception of the two evil stepsisters. I had a chore list and so did my stepbrother, but if one was to compare the duties, mine was worse. His chores consisted of dusting his room, vacuuming his room, shoveling dog shit, etc. My chores were everything except Step Brother’s room. It was so bad, that I would get yelled at for loading the dishwasher incorrectly. If I put a glass in the top rack, but in the front instead of the back, I got yelled at. I even remembering my stepmother checking my dust jobs with a glide of her finger, and if there was one thing I missed, I would have to go back and do everything all over again. You may think I am kidding, but I shit you not. Living there opened a new can of peas, and the wrong kind of peas; let me explain.

What I ate in that house was limited as well. I did not have access to the TV dinner macaroni and cheese, because that was too expensive; here, I’ll give you your dollar back. I even did wrong by her once by opening the wrong can of peas. She made a potato salad on occasion and the can of peas I opened were the expensive ones she used for that particular recipe, expensive meaning closer to a dollar than fifty cents. Anyway, back to the peas. I remember telling my dad that I was hungry and asked if I could have a can of peas. He said yes, and then I proceeded to ask him if I should microwave them all, or half the can, etc. He said that I could heat up the whole can and whatever I didn’t want, to put in a Tupperware container. BB (the Bitch) walks in the kitchen and throws a fit. She yells at me for opening the wrong can of peas, and then proceeds to yell at my dad for letting me. She then yells at me for heating up the whole thing instead of just a portion, grabs my baby brother from my dad saying “give me my baby”, throws something at him, and leaves the house. After all is said and done, I don’t think I even ate the peas once it caused such a commotion.

I also don’t know if she tried to get me sick on purpose, but every time she cooked, which was not often, I would get sick and throw up. My dad did the majority of the cooking, as well as brushing my hair, and when he cooked, I never got sick. I remember getting sick at least three times from BB’s cooking. I think she put something in my dish. I can’t help but think that just because it was only when she cooked that I would violently up chuck my food. Not only that, but I had to go to school regardless if I was puking or not. I remember having to call my grandmother to get me from school one day because BB would not. BB shouldn’t have sent me there that day to begin with, but then again, that is why she is BB.

In addition to the food restrictions, I also was not allowed to wear shorts until April or May. I can’t remember exactly, but from anyone knows what the weather is like on the Mississippi coast, this is a ridiculous and torturous rule. This was back in the day when colored jeans were in style and I remember coming home every day with my legs the color of my jeans from sweating so profusely. First off, I grew up in Texas, where sometimes the weather allows one to wear shorts in December, so this bitch was just trying to push my buttons. I did what any normal ten or eleven year old would do. I called my mom and tattled on BB. The thing I didn’t understand was that BB would let me wear skirts, but not shorts. Can anyone please explain to me how that makes sense? I am still trying to figure it out nearly eighteen years later. My mom confronted BB about the clothing situation and BB replied by saying that I wore pantyhose when I wore skirts. This is a lie. Either I had enough hair on my legs to pass for pantyhose, or this lady was trying to cover her tracks. After all, who wears pantyhose in ninety plus degree weather, especially someone in the fifth grade?

I am not sure what kind of spell BB had on my dad, but I remember him having to hide giving me money for good grades and stuff like that. I never really had an allowance, but he made sure to sneak money to me here and there without her knowing. Perhaps I should have given it to her for her grocery shopping inconveniences, but I didn’t. An eleven year old could find better things to do with five or ten dollars, like snow cones. Thinking of BB, I probably shouldn’t have been eating snow cones until May, when I could wear shorts, right? But I am not bitter, not at all. Yeah, right.

I can honestly tell you my dislike for her had nothing to do with the fact that she was with my father. I know that growing up in a divorced family takes a little getting used to, but I never felt this way with the second wife, even though that was short lived. I knew that whoever my dad was going to be with would never be my mother, and I was not trying to make her what she wasn’t. I truthfully hated her because of the way she treated me. I would be more understanding if she was an all around bitch, but I was the only one that received this treatment. She would never think to treat her own blood like dirt on the ground. I think she felt inconvenienced for me having to live there for seven months. If only she knew how displeased I was for having to deal with her, maybe she would have been a little more understanding. We both didn’t want me to be there. I can honestly think that is why she treated me the way she did, and maybe in some way she was jealous of what my father and I had before she came along and ruined it. Needless to say, she succeeded in breaking what my dad and I once had; something that we will never have again.

My life, unedited and unrevised in Chapters (1)

I was born a daughter of a military man and a native Spaniard mother. My mother met my father in Spain while he was docking port from the U.S.S. Guam. My father told my mother he would come back for her, and that is exactly what he did. I am sure; however, he made plenty of visits to the “other” females in his life as he made his way back home. The evidence proving these accusations can be found in the collection of love letters he had obtained around the world: letters he still currently has in his possession. If things haven’t changed, they can be found inside the bottom, left hand drawer of his gun case, along with some of my mom’s hair. The hair was a result from a fight my mom had with another woman, pre-PissedOff I believe. Even though my parents have been divorced for nearly twenty years, he still has a part of my mother with him; that Ziploc bag of her hair.

I entered this world in a very violent upbringing. My dad hit my mom, my mom hit my dad, and my dad hit me. I have even been told that my dad hit us both at the same time, while my mother was pregnant with me. I am unable to confirm that information, but I can honestly say that it wouldn’t surprise me one bit. I distinctly remember when I was six years old sitting on my parents bed while he beat the crap out of her. I was writing “I hat dad” on my blue Lisa Frank stationary. I didn’t know how to spell hate, but you get the idea.

At the age of seven, I had become aware that when a parent keeps you from another parent, it is not considered kidnapping. I find this pretty amusing really, because there is no other way to sugarcoat what it was, and it was kidnapping, regardless of what the authorities say. My mom and I left Mississippi and moved to Texas. The courts had established visitation, and I had gone to Mississippi to visit my father for the summer. I remember him asking me if I wanted to stay an extra day, and not knowing the concept of a plane ticket, I accepted. I was familiar with flying, having taken my first flight at two weeks old, but I was unaware that flights had specific times and dates. I was the little girl that thought you buy a ticket, show up, and catch the next available plane. I didn’t realize that wasn’t the case, but a seven year old shouldn’t have been put in that situation to begin with. Aside from pointing out more of my father’s flaws in parenting skills, I should explain the kidnapping. Because of his gracious offer extended to me in staying an extra day, I missed my flight (what a surprise) and my mom was at the airport waiting for me to not get off the plane, which was a shock to her. She called my dad, and he told her if she ever wanted to see me again, she had to come back to him. She did, and as per the norm, and he beat the shit out of her; over and over again. You tell me whether that is kidnapping or not.

I was the only blood my mother had in the United States, and why she didn’t leave him and take me to Spain I will never understand. She said that she didn’t want to take me away from him, and she knew that he would never fork out the cash for me to fly overseas to see him. In the temporary orders establishing visitation, my dad was supposed to pay the entire flight from Houston to New Orleans, and even that wasn’t good enough for the cheapskate. My mom had to shell out half of my measly one hundred dollar tickets for me to even see him, so one could only imagine what an overseas ticket would do to him. My mom didn’t want to be the reason I never saw my dad. She told me, many years later, that she wanted me to make up my own mind about him. She didn’t want to brainwash or manipulate me to think what she thought of him, so she allowed me time to form my own opinion of the man.

I must have blocked this out of my mind for nearly a decade’s time. I remember it hitting me like a bolt of lightning. I was in the theater, in high school, sitting with Miss Black Teen Texas and a few other girls. Miss Black Teen Texas was talking about her St. Lucian father and the things he had done to her mother, and it came rushing back. I was so pissed at myself to have forgotten something like this. I guess I suppressed those feelings due to the trauma I had experienced, but to just forget it was beyond me. How could someone do such hateful things to another person anyway? It was then and there that my opinion of my father started to go downhill. It took me ten years to remember, and another 10 years to put it down on paper. Only this time, I don’t have a Lisa Frank spiral notebook with blue paper in it.

The time of my life when I had forgotten about all the bad things, I was quite the daddy’s girl. When he married for the third time, however, that changed. My mother was on her second husband at the time, which was going nowhere fast. It was going so fast, that she thought it would be in my best interest to live with my father while she “ironed out the kinks of that relationship”. I was in the fifth grade. I left Texas and ended up in Hell for the next seven months of my life. This particular Hell is referred to as Pass Christian, Mississippi.

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

I Put my Eggs on the Table

About 2 months ago I started inching away from Eggland's Best. He bought another car, which made me think his priorities were more skewed. I had come to the conclusion that he was not trying to proceed with a divorce if he was accumulating more assets.

I met a guy at a bar. I know that is so cliché, but we hit it off immediately. The way I met him was even more interesting.

I was sitting across the bar with Taco and we saw a group of hot guys directly across from us. We decided to send over 2 drinks to Guy 1 and Guy 2. After a while, I went over to the guys and told them that they were being douche bags for not coming over to say "thank you" to two pretty ladies for having bought them a beer. Guy 1 is Military Guy and that was the drink that Taco had sent over. Guy 2 was Police Guy that I had sent a drink to. Well, as it turns out, Police Guy was not THAT interesting and was all over some cougar in the bar. I started talking to another guy that was with Police Guy and Military Guy, I'll call him Florida Guy.

Florida Guy was very cute, and we seemed to have a lot in common. I don't typically try to pursue a relationship with a guy I meet in a bar, but here we are 2 months later, and for the most part, I have seen him everyday.

Florida Guy is my age (well, 8 months younger if you want to get technical). Florida Guy is very attractive. Florida Guy is NOT married and does NOT have kids. Florida Guy doesn't have any baggage.

We met up again the following day after having met one another. We ended up going to the same hole in the wall bar that we met at. I couldn't help thinking how funny or odd it was that I got him by sending his best friend a drink, but besides the point he was awesome. I definitely wanted to see him again.

Our first real date consisted of a sushi dinner at my favorite sushi place. I told him how I was pretty much obsessed with sushi and that I could eat him under the table. He then challenged me to eat sushi for two by myself. I accepted the challenge. After gorging myself with raw fish, we decided to go to the bar and have a drink before I went home. My car was at his house, so we drove there to pick it up beforehand because it was closer for me to go home from the bar than from his house. He invited me to come in his house because he had to relieve himself. On the first real date, I met his parents. They were very nice and welcoming.

2 months later I have found myself to be quite fond of Florida Guy. I have stayed at his house numerous times and slept in a twin size bed with the man. It is a squeeze, but comfortable at the same time. I guess it just gives us reason to cuddle up to one another. I see him nearly everyday and that makes me very happy. All this being said, my likeness for Eggs has slowly faded.

After having devoted myself to the intangible Egg for a year and a half I found myself feeling that I would miss an opportunity for something substantial and readily available. I felt that I would miss out on something potentially wonderful by waiting for something that MIGHT not ever be, and I didn't want to do that. After having been in The Garden State for over a year now, I have not once before Florida Guy given the time of day to anyone, and now, all of a sudden, I am smitten and wanting more to come. I felt that I needed to put an end to my long distance lover, and move on with my life. I felt that I would never know how things would turn out with Florida Guy and myself, if I didn't give it my all. This being said, I put my eggs on the table, literally. I gave up on love in pursuit of a new potential love, one that was readily available. I didn't want to be on the back burner any longer. I still don't know what may come with Florida Guy, but I am quite excited to see. I know that he makes me happy, and right now, that is all I can ask for.

Sunday, April 27, 2008

Update: Smoking vs Divorce

I am still smoking.

He is still married.

The end.

I have been wondering if this is just a huge waste of my time. It has been nearly a year and a half, and he has been separated for 2 years before I came along.

Is he ever going to do it, and if so, is he going to want to marry me?

Saturday, February 23, 2008

The Chronicles of Wah-Wah, Part IV

washing plastic, vinyl, latex and rubber items before and after every use

Make sure you buy your Mighty Tidy
for the one and only, the Almighty.
Clean him well and have spin
no matter what, you ALWAYS win.
Pheromones can't do it all
sometimes it works, but dicks are small.
Go with what you know and trust
before you spontaneously combust.
No need to figure out the guy
or the package between the thighs.
I have a dresser for times like these
that is filled with everything I need.
The toys, the attachments, and the cleanser
wow, it is like this thing has a sensor!
A few more seconds, then I'm done
Osaki is still my number one.
I went to a party and was put in a strap
my coworker as well with my ass there to tap.
They asked me to sell cause I knew all the stuff
but I'd go in debt, knowing my luck.
I would sell so many, I'd lose my count
but I would also buy, so there's my discount!
I must admit it would be fun
to make sure every woman on earth had one.

passion party

Smoking vs Divorce

quit smoking

I talked to Eggs on the way home from babysitting tonight, and when I pulled into my driveway I was still smoking my cigarette. I told him this and he said....

"I wish you would stop smoking."

I simply replied with this "I wish you would get divorced."

"Touché."

"How about I quit smoking when you get divorced?"

Needless to say, I put an end to that discussion....

divorce

Friday, February 1, 2008

Suki and her new shoes

Ok, so since I have lived in NJ I have spent $1,300 on wheels and tires for my car. That is nearly as much as what I paid the movers to move my entire apartment 1,700 miles.

When I was driving here from Texas, I noticed that a tire was peeling at the side wall. I then inspected all of my tires and at the end of it all, there were 3 that were doing this. I figured this wasn't safe, but I couldn't do much about it until I was out of transit and where I needed to ultimately end up. When I got here, I went to a tire place and found out that my tires were defective.

A little over $500 later, I contacted a Nankang tire distributor with the help of my friends at the tire place I purchased my new tires. With their help, I managed to get a measly $40 per tire from the distributor for the defects.

About a week or so ago I hit a huge pothole in the road. I didn't think to much about it, because they happen to be EVERYWHERE in this fucking state. Later on I realized that one of my tires had a huge piece of rubber hanging off of the tire and a huge scratch in my rim.

*Each rim on my car is approximately $500 to replace.

I went to the tire place again and we went ahead and ordered a new tire. The guy there told me that there was a possibility that the rim might be damaged on the inside, but there was no way to know until we took the tire off and went to replace the new one; the tire took a day to come in. He then informed me that if this happened to be the case, he would put the spare on and we would go from there. I went in the following day expecting to pay for the tire, and guess what? When they went to take the tire off, they showed me a huge crack in the rim. They then also suggested that instead of replacing one rim for $500, I go with a whole new set of rims for just a little over the price of the one my car currently had on. He then showed me that the rear rim was also scratched due to the same pothole, but it was still in decent condition.

I decided to go with four new rims for $600 instead of the same rim I had on the car for $500 a pop. They were similar rims, but much cheaper. Instead of four rims at $500 each, I went for four brand new non-scratched rims for $150 a piece.

I had to order these rims and wait until they were in, therefore I was driving on the spare tire until they came in. I went in yesterday and they are all fixed and looking quite good. I left the place paying a little over $750, but at least they are all brand new and looking pretty sharp.

In eight months, I have spent $1300 in wheels and tires. That is approximately $162.50 a month I could have spent on something better. I feel that the state should pay me back for their negligence of the road conditions, but I am sure any attempt to call them will accomplish nothing. I think I would be better off talking to a brick wall and making friends with it. I do, however find it ironic that the pothole has miraculously been patched up. I wonder if I was not the only one to have to suck it up and spend the extra money to ensure my safety. I also wonder if something bad happened to me in that week of me driving around on an unsafe tire and a damaged rim if there would be a way to prove that it were due to unsafe roads. What would have come out of it? What if i didn't notice the tire and never knew about the rim?

The roads here suck, and I can't believe how people neglect them where they can get THAT bad. The pothole was so big and deep it were as if one side of my car went diving into a huge ditch and came out all scratched up.

The pothole was unavoidable as well. It was on a narrow bridge going to my house from work, and if someone is coming the other way, you can't do anything about it. I guess the phrase "wrong place at the right time" could be modified to "wrong place all the time"...... until it was fixed I suppose.

Anyway, Suki has a brand new pair of shoes now...... these better be nicer to her or I may have to cut someone. I do not anticipate having to make any purchases with tires and wheels for a long time to come!!!

BMW 243 wheel 5 spoke

*this is not my rim, but it is 5 spoke, therefore somewhat similar.

Saturday, January 5, 2008

The Bipolar Woman

Ok, so I haven't written in a while and figure this would be a great time to start back and a great story to kick off the new year.

I think I started babysitting for The Bipolar Woman in November. This was short lived, obviously. I soon came to realize that this woman is indeed a crazy bitch and on top of that one who uses alcohol to self medicate, in other words a fucking alcoholic.

Let me give you a little background on The Bipolar Woman. She is 29 years old and has 2 children. One is 3 1/2 and the other is 9. She only has custody of the 3 1/2 year old. The Bipolar Woman has never been married, and both children are from different fathers. It wasn't until recently I found out that not only does she not have custody of the 9 year old, he is not even allowed to go in her house. That being said, on the weekends he comes to visit her The Bipolar Woman's mom picks him up in Connecticut and drives him to her house where he stays for the weekend. Mom visits him there. The Bipolar Woman is a waitress at a restaurant in town and doesn't drive or own a car.

To get to the part where I decide not to babysit for this crazy bitch anymore, will lead us to the last week in December. The Bipolar Woman calls me at 11:35 in the morning asking me if I were available to babysit that day. I said that I was and asked what time she needed me there. She informs me that I am needing to be at her house at 12, which leaves me with 10 minutes to get out of bed and wash up and 15 minutes to get to her house. I informed her that it would have been nice to know this earlier or the day before even, but she assures me that she had just recently found out that she was needed to come into work. I say yes to the situation and bust my ass in order to get there on time.

My phone rings again at 11:43......

Her Fuck Buddy is on the other end of the line. I assumed he was calling me to see where I was and having 2 minutes left before I was to leave the house I just spurted out "Tell her I will be there at 12, and to quit fucking calling me!"

He informs me that she asked him to call because she had JUST found out that she didn't need to work.

I find this incredibly ironic because only 8 minutes prior she was calling me telling me she JUST found out that she had to work and that is why I was not given prior notice.

At this point I am pissed. Not only did I get my ass out of bed after having stayed at a coworkers house until nearly 3 in the morning drinking wine, but I hurried to shower and brush my teeth for what, NOTHING?

I tell her Fuck Buddy to tell her that she is ridiculous and went off about how she woke me up and made me do everything at the speed of light for nothing. I then tell him that the next time she has something negative to say, she should fucking have the guts to call me her damn self. I hung up the phone.

At the point there is no need for me to get back in bed. Hell, I showered, brushed my teeth, and got dressed in 8 minutes. That kind of rush kind of wakes you up, don't you think?

My phone rings again at 11:57 AM..... It is HER.

I answer the phone and she starts in telling me how sorry she is and how she would like to take me to lunch to make up for it. I agree because as I said before, I was not about to get back in bed. I told her I would leave my house and meet her at her house.

We go to lunch. My coworker calls me and tells me that she is heading up to the school, and having not fed my frog in a week, I told her I would meet her up there. I asked The Bipolar Woman and her Fuck Buddy to box the rest of my food and I would either A) call when i was done to see if they were still at the restaurant, or B) meet them wherever they were for my food.

I go to the school.

My phone rings again...... It is HER again.

I answer the phone and she lets me know that they are leaving the restaurant, but that Fuck Buddy has my food and I can just call him when I am done to pick it up or meet him somewhere.

She had to work the night shift and during lunch she asked me if I wanted to babysit for the nighttime. I was already irate so I said no, but I had also made plans to take my brother and sister to see Alvin and the Chipmunks. She said not to worry about it and that she would have her mom sit for her daughter.

I finish at the school and call her Fuck Buddy. He tells me that we can meet back up at the restaurant where we ate and that he would buy me a drink. I let him know that I was going to find out the movie times and then I would meet him there.

The Bipolar Woman sees us leaving the restaurant and him handing me my food. She immediately starts text messaging him saying "I guess she couldn't babysit tonight because she was too busy having cocktails with you" and other things of the sort.

Fist off, I have the fucking movie tickets to prove that I went with my siblings, however I do not feel I have to justify myself to her. Secondly, SHE called ME telling me that HE had my food. If she had a huge problem with him giving me my leftovers, she could have easily said "I have your leftovers, you can come pick it up whenever you get a chance because you have a key to my house". She isn't the most rational or smartest people in the world. And Thirdly, It would be different if I was making out with her Fuck Buddy, but he was HANDING ME MY FUCKING FOOD!!!!

Now you tell me, would YOU babysit for this crazy bitch after that?