When it Rains it Pours......

So much has been going on in my life recently that I feel like it is the perfect time to start writing again to get some things off my chest.

I have a great job that I love, but the pay sucks....

I have a crappy living situation that I cannot control....

I was recently caught up in some legal matters....

And at this point in my life, I feel I need to assess and address who my friends are.

All this being said, the friend issue seems to be the most clear. I feel I must start all over again, and wipe away all the fake, insincere people out of my life. This leaves me with only the friends I have that don't live in the town I just so happen to live in. My best friend in Austin is a keeper, and my Taco in New Jersey is a keeper.... I think that is about it. With having friends in different cities and states comes another one of my issues.....

I can't legally drive right now. I also can't legally leave the county without written permission from a judge.

I live with my ex. He just so happens to be an extremely abusive person and feels the need to verbally abuse me on a regular basis.... almost to the point where I want to disappear or just vanish. After all this is said and done, I feel I will need extensive therapy myself.

With my current job, it is a way to establish myself in my ultimate career goal, however it is IMPOSSIBLE to live on my own. I took this job to get my foot in the door, however I am making half of what I have been used to making. With this being said, I feel that my ex thinks it is appropriate to abuse me on a daily basis just because "he can".

I really am at a loss right now, and I am aware that feeling down on myself will accomplish nothing. I know that it will not help me find any friends, or find a guy that wants to be with me for the long haul.... I feel that no one will want to be with me until I am happy and right with myself.

I want to be happy and right with myself.....

I have done things to try to get a clearer head and more of a positive outlook on life. I am going to the gym regularly, have lost 20 lbs, and have been smoke free for 2 months.

Also given the current situation, I am currently not drinking and have not touched alcohol for 10 days..... however I was never a heavy drinker. As far as "other things".... my last day was December 31, 2010..... had to end the year with a bang.

So here it is, all laid out and no resolution. I need a change for the better... I need friends that actually care instead of just "saying" they do.... I need to distance myself from those who have hurt me and continue to hurt me... I need a way to earn extra income... And ultimately, I need to be happy and right with myself....

Any questions?

I May Have Lost a Friend, But I Found a Long Lost Friend/ Tribute to my Weekend Roomie

I suppose I should start by saying that I don't have many friends. In high school and shit like that I did, but as I grew older, I realized that those people were more like acquaintances. Now, I view the term friend a bit differently. I think of the people I can call on, the people that are there for me when I need them, and the people that I would be there for no matter what if they need me.

Weekend Roomie and I have become quite close since we first reconnected after ten years time. Although I lost Belle as a friend, it was kind of like I was making room for someone that "wanted" to be my friend, and getting all the insincere people out of my life. I thought it was funny when Weekend Roomie told me she would submit her application for the Best Friend Position that had opened up, but to be honest, she didn't even need to apply.

Weekend Roomie and I have a lot of fun together. When we talk on the phone, 95% of the time we are cracking up laughing. I have known her since 8th grade, and to be honest, seeing her after 10 years time was like nothing had changed and we picked up exactly where we left off, just older and with more possibilities to have fun and do things.

I called Weekend Roomie on Monday to wish her a Happy Birthday. She then told me that her and her 2 brothers (they all work together) were talking about taking a trip to Las Vegas and having the company foot the bill. She told me that it would only be fair if she were able to have a plus 1 for her, because her brothers are married and would be taking their wives and children and it being equally their money, she said she should be able to take someone as well. Guess who she invited? ME!!! When we were talking about it and asked me if I wanted to go, I told her that I would not be able to afford that especially with such short notice, and she said "All you need is spending and play money. You don't have to worry with anything else, we have your flight and hotel".

We are going to Vegas for the 22nd to the 26th of June. That is Monday thru Friday. I know we will have a blast, because we always do.

Now tell me that is not a friend..... I bet you can't.

Some People Lack Common Sense

While in Austin this weekend, I get a text from my boss telling me how my ex is at this black tie event sitting close to him with a drop dead gorgeous female by his side. What I really want to know, is my boss a fucking idiot or what? I mean, I couldn't care less who my ex is with, and I most certainly do not need my boss spying for me or acting as my informer. If I cared, I could have found that out all by myself. I write him back "that's good" and go about my business.

I come into work today, and he says "so you wanna hear the scoop?"..... He tells me that he was mistaken, and that the drop dead gorgeous female was on one side, and that he was with the lady on the other side. Turns out they both had on rings, and according to my boss they were "making out".... First, I don't think that is very likely or at all in character of the ex at a black tie event, and secondly, I figured he would go back to his wife (because he can't be alone and she is dumb enough to accept him even though she is a last resort or back up plan), the thing I still want to know if how does this apply to my boss? Is this any of his business? Why is he acting as a messenger? AND, have I acted like I care, or have I asked him? No. He needs to back the fuck up and recognize his place.... As my employer, not my fucking stalker or detective.

I amazes me what guys will do to try and get their dick wet. It is like ever since he told me he was infatuated with me, he is trying to push my buttons, and he is trying to be an instigator. Sorry, not planning on tripping and falling and landing on your dick anytime soon.....

I mean, does he not realize that there are boundaries and a level of respect you should hold? Don't get into any one's personal life if you aren't invited, and don't put your nose where it doesn't belong.

I Look Like Shit Today? Tell me What You Really Think....

So, I came into work on Friday and my boss asked me if I had stayed up all night. I said no, and he proceeded to tell me that I looked like shit. I told him the only difference was that I didn't have on any make up, but that I often do not wear make up to work. He told me that he felt he needed to "clear the air" and "get it out"..... first off, that is an opinion, and secondly, I could have gone the whole day without having heard what he has to say in regards to my appearance.

I should have just told him to quit being mad that I won't let him fuck me like he wants and to just get over it, or that he is ugly everyday, but I figured it caused less harm to just keep my mouth shut. Perhaps I am leading, and he should follow my example. That is like telling someone they look fat when they didn't even ask you if they did. What the fuck?!?!

I should have known he was shallow when I met him, seeing as how he wanted a picture sent along with my resume, but if you aren't a model, don't expect one!!!

This Blog is Called Why I am Always Pissed Off for a Reason

I started this blog when my best friend at the time told me it would be a good way to get things off my chest. Because she was far away (and having recently found out she never gave a shit) this was my way to vent about things. To say what was bottled in, and have it go somewhere rather than just building up and making me explode later.

One thing I have never been a fan of is fake people. I try to be as honest and open as possible, and I don't care to make room for people that are fake and full of shit. I may have issues with depression, anxiety, sleeping, etc... but I am not a fake person, and I don't pretend to care if I don't. The so called "best friend" recently wrote me an email pointing out (according to her) my flaws, but failed to hear what I had to say in return. First off, I have never tried to tell her how much of a shitty friend she has been to me, even when I felt it. She, however must have felt validated by doing this to me though.... perhaps it made her feel better about herself.

I can name numerous things I have done to be good to this person. I even helped her shed (how much was it again) over 50 pounds. Talk about being a good friend and a motivator. Not to mention I donated to her causes, bought her shirts, and even had my parents donate to her causes. I am afraid she has never supported any of mine.

I think it is funny that she always categorizes herself as being a commitment phobe. She started getting close to this guy, he wants to move in, and then she breaks it off with him. She did basically the opposite with me.

When we were in college or in the same town, we were inseparable. She then moved away and we saw each other every once in a while. I graduated, and left too. Then we saw each other even less. We used to talk everyday on the phone, but then it became a matter of convenience for her. When I moved up north and was only 4 hours away from her, she didn't want to put in the equal amount of effort it would take to see one another. I suppose since I was far away and not immediately available to her, she just gave up on me, and gave up on our friendship as well.

The thing that bothers me the most is that she wrote me an email basically going off on me for being a shitty friend, but I don't ever think she stop to realize that she was being one herself (and for quite some time at that), and when called out, she chose to ignore me..... a very mature thing to do, but nonetheless, she stopped being a good friend to me a long time ago. I tried to look past it, and consider it was a different time, and we were far apart, but I felt her distancing herself for quite some time. Her excuses for not coming to visit went from tires on her truck, to time off work, to money, but then again that didn't stop her from going to see other people and going other places, and not to mention driving the same truck she didn't want to come see me in..... things that make you go hmmmmm.

All of this is fine actually, but the only thing I have left to say is this.....

If you want to initiate a conversation in which you mention someones flaws, then be prepared to see it through. Be willing to listen to what the other person has to say in return, because if not, there was no point in having said your peace..... your mind was already made up.

I wish you well, and I hope you have a great life. I hope that one day you will be able to commit to someone and be happy. I hope no one ever calls you out on being a shitty friend without letting you respond and who doesn't ignore you. I also hope that your friends don't move out of state and leave you to turn into a shitty friend to them as you did to me long ago, and I hope when people ask about your problems, that they actually care about them. Maybe one day you will grow up and realize all of this, and maybe you will push your pride aside and call me...... and MAYBE I will be there to answer your call.

The Thought of Moving in Together

Boyfriend: I meant what I said
Me: I would hope so
Me: It would please me if this is it....
Boyfriend: Meaning you and I forever?
Me: Yes
Boyfriend: I think I'd be happy too. You are beautiful in the morning.
Me: That is a good plus then, I suppose
Boyfriend: Well, if I wake up with you every morning, it's a plus for me.
Me: Well, shit..... Why do we pay 2 rents? Ha. Kidding.
Boyfriend: But are you really?
Me: So so to either I suppose.
Me: If we stayed together every night it would be dumb to pay for 2 places.
Me: Even a 2 bedroom would be cheaper, you know? But, at the same time, it would be soon to do something like that right this second.
Boyfriend: I know. Believe it or not, that crossed my mind. Who knows what the future holds though.
Me: That is good to know. :) Plus, saving money is not bad either
Me: Anyways, sleep well my boyfriend.
Boyfriend: Only if you were here, but I'll try.
Me: No need to lie.....
Boyfriend: I'd rather sleep with you always waking up, than without you here. Not a lie.
Boyfriend: Good night sweetheart.
Me: Good night baby.




This all was after him telling me (in person) that he should make a key to his place for me, so I could come over whenever I wanted to wash clothes. Also, when I go over to his house, I don't knock..... he wants me to just come in.

The Lights are Off and Somebody's Home.

I should start by saying that I hate stupid people. With the exception of this morning and my rude awakening, everything has been wonderful today, but this morning is enough to piss anyone off.

I got home late, and went to bed even later. I probably went to bed between midnight and one, but for a weeknight, that is late for me. I am the kind of person that is fully aware of how big of a bitch I am in the morning, so I try to avoid making it worse by trying to go to bed at a decent hour. As I was saying, I went to bed late, and finally fell asleep only to be waken up by my fucking idiot, douche bag neighbor.

I heard a knocking sound. Being that I was in deep sleep, I was unable to distinguish whether this was happening in my dream, or in reality. Once I finally opened my eyes and remained laying in the bed for a few minutes, I heard it again, then again, and again. It must have been going on for AT LEAST 30 minutes at this point. I jumped up, looked at the clock, and saw that it was only 6:00AM and still pitch black outside. I was also only in my underwear. I pulled a blanket around me and walked into the living room to the front door. Once I got to the door, I called out to see who it was (I was not about to open the door when I was half naked, when it is dark outside, when I am not expecting visitors, and when I cannot see without my glasses). The voice from the other side of the door was a female and she said "your neighbor".

I cracked the door and I asked her what she wanted. Then this bitch has the audacity to ask me to watch her car for a while cause she parked in a tow zone. I was furious. I told the girl I was sleeping and she said "oh, I am so sorry". This is bullshit. She knew I was sleeping because of multiple reasons.



1) After 30 minutes of continuous knocking I finally came to the door.
2) It was dark outside, and I didn't have any lights on in my house.
3) It was 6 in the FUCKING morning.
4) I was naked. (OK, so this COULD mean I just got done showering or I was doing the do, but those are also times you DON'T interrupt people).

I slammed the door in her face and tried to go back to bed.

I don't know what goes through people's head these days. First off, I ONLY went to the door, because after 30 minutes I figured it was an emergency or something. In 30 minutes time, this fucking dumb ass whore could have parked over a mile away and STILL made it back to her apartment prior to being done with knocking on MY door. Not only that, but we are not friends. I said "hi" possibly 3 times max, that doesn't mean "hey buddy, wake me up whenever because I want to be your best friend".

People have been killed for less. She should keep that in mind. Next time the nun chucks and dagger are coming to the door with me...... or should I use my throwing stars? Hmmmmmmm.......