Unhappily Happy/Happily Unhappy

I am typically not the kind of person that keeps things in, but lately I feel very alone and feel that I don't have anyone to talk that is close. I probably should rephrase that to mean that I have friends that are so consumed with their own issues to have time to ask me about mine, but at the same time, I don't offer the information. I also try to be happy and positive, but on the inside I am really depressed, alone, and questioning if I will EVER find what I am looking for; what I have waited my whole life for. The moments I have with my friends lately are brief, therefore I don't use that time to express the deep depression that I feel. I try to show a vested interest in others, and by that, I push my emotions in the corner to be revisited later, when I am alone. I find myself crying as I walk to my car leaving a friends place. Why am I crying? There probably isn't one reason, but an overwhelming number of reasons that consumes me to breaking points. I don't like people seeing me like that, and as a result, my boss has seen me break down more times than I would like to admit.

Why do people get depressed? I remember having gone through this a long time ago, and being put on medication for it. I don't want to resort to that again, but I can't get out of this funk I am in.

Even if this is NOT the case, this is how I FEEL......

I enjoy living alone, but I hate being alone.

The majority of my friends don't express a vested interest in my life.

The majority of my friends are too worried about their lives to ask about mine.

The majority of my friends are too busy playing house.

I ask about my friends lives. Perhaps this is because I care, because I do so in avoiding to show weakness of that of my own life, or because I don't want to EVER be the reason they feel like I do now, so I go out of my way to make them feel good.

I am great at giving advice, but I am to stubborn to take my own advice.

I go to the same places out of comfort, but know that I won't meet anyone worthwhile or new.

I get in my car and cry just so my friends don't have to be bothered.

Sometimes when I cry, I do not know the reason for it.

This leads me to think that I am unhappily happy. I come to this conclusion because it is obvious that I am not happy that I am unhappy, but want to find happiness and sometimes I do so while being unhappy as a whole.