The Sports Fan

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The Typical Bartender

The Typical Bartender works at the bar that I frequent, and we have been flirting back and forth with one another for a while now. One night I was out at the bar and had met up with Super Short Dude (a blog will be written about him in the very near future). The Typical Bartender handed me a piece of paper and said that if I ever felt like hanging out, I should give him a call.

There was something about this guy that intrigued me. Maybe it was because he didn't come off as the overbearing type like the rest of the bunch, or because I was attracted to him initially. He is tall, not too big or too small, and very quiet. I though that maybe, just maybe this guy was different than all the other bartenders I have encountered in the past.

I called him the night he gave me his number and just told him "Now you have mine. Have a good night". We texted a little bit back and forth, and of course I saw him when I went to the bar on Tuesday nights for wings and on the weekends.

This past Tuesday though was different.

He had mentioned the weekend before that he had put in his notice to leave the bartending job and that he was moving to Jersey City, which from what I hear is about 45 minutes to an hour away. I told him that I was still not opposed to hanging out with him, because that really isn't THAT far away considering everything around here is a drive.

On Tuesday my friend Taco and I met up at the bar to eat some wings and have a few beers. I was doing the normal flirting with The Typical Bartender and Taco said that she didn't really see him reciprocating. She said that something was weird about him and that he just didn't seem "into it".

Anyone that knows me is aware that I am pretty confrontational and up front, so I asked him straight out. He said some bullshit about bad timing and all that and it pissed me off. The thing is, HE gave me HIS number. He initiated the entire process and then when called out on it he retracts the act entirely? This is not acceptable. I could understand if we went out and there was just nothing there, but to give your number out and say "Let's hang out", then come back with the timing being wrong is a bit ridiculous I think.

I got upset and stepped outside with Taco for a smoke. She apologized for calling it as she saw it, and I told her that I was glad she did, because I wouldn't have wanted to invest any time and effort for someone that "wasn't feeling it". Another girl joined us and was asking what was the matter and the truth about The Typical Bartender came out.

The girl told the both of us how the same kind of thing happened with her and The Typical Bartender. She said that he gave her his number and said that if she ever wanted to hang out to give him a call and after a few calls and a few visits to the bar, he told her that she was "smothering him" and that he was no longer interested.

Her friend, The Nurse had a similar encounter with The Typical Bartender. She said something about how one night she was at the bar on a date with a guy and he asked her if she was interested in going out for dinner one night. She was embarrassed because she was thinking about how rude that was to her date and she said "Hell no" to him and left right after dinner and went somewhere else for drinks after that.

I just don't really understand why someone would pursue you, then take it back. How fucking old are we? I am too old for childish fucking games, and quite frankly, it is pretty fucking mean to mess with people's emotions like that in the first place. At least take me out and just say there wasn't anything there before you act like a complete fucking douche face.

The Bad Kisser

I went out last Friday with a guy that I have been talking to over the phone about teaching. He is the grandson of a lady that works for a friend of my mom's. When they heard that I was getting into teaching they figured that he would be able to answer any questions I may have regarding the whole process. My mom's friend told me that he was very attractive, so when he asked me out to dinner, I accepted. We went out to a really nice expensive restaurant, and then he followed me to Krogh's, the bar I frequent. He was good looking and we seemed to hit it off conversationally.

The next day he asked me if I wanted to come over to his house and hang out. He just had his house built and has been in it for about 5-6 months now, so he wanted to show it off to me. We met at a parking lot, and I jumped in his car. We went to his house and I have to admit, it was a very nice house. We watched 2 movies there. The movie Hitch was on the TV, so we watched it together. Then the boy made his move. He asked if he could kiss me, and I said yes. I regretted it the second after when he went in for the kill. It was repulsive. I honestly wanted to throw up in my mouth.

In the movie Hitch, Will Smith mentions that a woman can determine whether or not she can spend the rest of her life with someone based on the first kiss. This is so true. When he kissed me, I was so disgusted that I couldn't even imagine picturing what "other" stuff would be like with this guy. At that point I knew I was not interested in seeing this guy for the third time.

He kissed me again and it was the same; A no go if you will.

The guy is also a hefty guy. He was leaning all over me and I had to keep adjusting because he was really putting a lot of stress on my back. I got to a Chiropractor 3 times a week, so he wasn't helping me at all.

Not only that, but I felt like I was in high school when this guy started kissing me. Granted he IS a high school teacher, but he kept trying to do the "second base" moving the hand up the shirt move, and I was not interested by any means. First off he was not turning me on with his kissing much less the pitiful attempt to grasp my tits over my bra. It was so gross, and when he drove me back to my car I gave him a pitiful hug and ran to my car.

I have had what it seems like a sinus infection for about a week now. He called me and asked how I was feeling and I told him I wasn't feeling great. This past Friday he called me and said that IF I was interested or feeling up to having dinner with him to give him a call. He left a message saying this and also stating that he wasn't going to call me back because he didn't want to bother me if I wasn't feeling well.

I was NOT interested, and I DID NOT call him again. Guess what? HE called again. This pissed me off because he said he wasn't going to call again and bother me, and he did. I can't stand when someone does that shit. He shouldn't have bothered saying that in the message and then contradicting himself. If you leave something open ended like that, then stand to it for fucks sake! I didn't answer the phone because I knew that if I did, I would have gone off on the fucker.

I don't want to be mean to the guy, but at the same time I don't want to use the cliche "You are a nice guy but....." routine either.

Is it bad to say "When you kissed me I wanted to throw up in my mouth. You are 30 years old and should fucking know how to kiss and I haven't the patience to teach you?"

I think he should know that he sucks as a kisser and he was in good until that point, but now I am not interested at all. I mean this guy was so bad that it would take lots of training, and I am not going to invest my time bothering to help him.

Also, when you FUCKING say that you are leaving me alone, that doesn't mean to call me again. WHAT THE FUCK?

Hurricanes and Tropical Islands

The family and I went to Jamaica for 2 weeks, and it just so happened that we were there when hurricane Dean decided to stop by for a visit. It could have been worse, but having a category 4 hurricane coming over our villa was really scary to my mom because of the kids. We went 5 days without electric, and 3 days without water pressure or hot water. It wasn't really that bad about the water, because it was so damn hot that you WANTED to take a cold shower.

The unbearable part was thew lack of electricity. We had to sleep with the windows open because it was so hot, but in Jamaica they have some vicious biting flies and a hell of a lot of mosquitoes that found their way through the holes in the window screens. FUCKERS!!! I remember trying to go to bed and I kept slapping myself to try and kill those bastards. I remember one night my mom and I slept in the same room and we were up at 4 in the morning talking/ hallucinating about what we could do to prevent those fuckers from getting to us. Mom came up with the mummification idea. Her thoughts were to get a whole bunch of gauze and wrap it all over out entire bodies. We went through 3 tubes of anti-itch cream. 3 TUBES!!!! Mom sat in her bed with a bottle of Raid in her hand and I sat there with a lantern and a Citronella coil that the bastards were immune to. We cussed them out like it was going out of style, and I still have marks from those fuckers!

Not to mention the damn biting assholes, My dad and I went snorkeling the Thursday before we left. A massive fucker of a jellyfish decided to attack me and stung 3/4 of my body, basically everything that wasn't covered. I was stung all up and down on one arm, some on the other arm, and all around both of my legs. Needless to say I was done with the ocean at this point. I have been back a week now, and the scars are just now going away!!

Other than that, everything was awesome. I need to go back to get the negative parts out of my mind.

The Clueless Dork and the Brewery

There is a place in NJ that I have frequented a few times called Krogh's. It is a bar and I happen to like the fact that they brew their own beer. I have found that on Tuesday nights, they also do 30 cents wings, in which I am also a fan.

I met a guy there on a Saturday after leaving the movie theater to watch the new Harry Potter movie. He was alone, and there was a seat available next to him. I should have drawn some conclusions by this, but it was the only seat available in the entire bar, so I sat down and ordered a beer. The Clueless Dork then began talking to me.

The Clueless Dork moved to NJ in February due to a job relocation. He is from Michigan. He came here with his wife, and after having done so, she left his ass. I should have inquired more about WHY she left him, but I didn't want the guy to burst into tears. He told me that on Tuesday nights they had the 30 cent wing special and Karaoke, which I am also a fan of. He seemed like a nice guy and we talked to one another for a while until I was tired and wanted to make my way back home. He asked if I would be interested in joining him on Tuesday for wings and karaoke, and I, feeling bad for the poor guy accepted his invitation. After all, I would have gone alone and so would he, and had I declined he would have seen me there by myself anyway.

He is a nice guy, and completely harmless, but a COMPLETE moron when it comes to women. We met up for wings, ate them, and made our way to the non-bar area where karaoke kicks off at 10 PM.

First off, I have to say that he is by far the WORST singer and dancer (yes, he danced) that I have EVER seen or heard, but I got to give props to the boy for getting up there to begin with. He started the night with Tainted Love, but only after a dedication of the following....... "This goes out to my soon to be EX-wife". He proceeds to sing, and does this little number where he is somewhat squatting and shaking his finger (kind of like the water sprinkler dance, if that helps with the visual). He if completely tone deaf and doesn't seem to know the way the song actually goes. Everyone in the bar started singing to help the Clueless Dork out for Christ's sake. After he consumed more and more drinks he began to ATTEMPT pulling his arm around me, which I made very clear that I was NOT interested and for him to stop. The bar closed at 2 AM, and I think I ended up leaving a little after 1:30 AM. He lives right on the lake, so he usually walks, but I offered to give him a ride to his house. I then made it very clear that for 1) I am not interested in seeing a married man, be that he is separated or not, 2) That I was not interested, and 3) To not make an attempt to touch me, because I adore my personal space.

The following Sunday afternoon he calls and asks me if I wanted to do something. I wasn't really in the mood to DO anything, but I told him I wasn't opposed to watching a movie or something. He then suggested that I come over, we would watch a movie, and he would cook dinner for the both of us. I agreed.

I went to his house and I must say that he lives like a complete bachelor when it comes to the kitchen area. He had nothing to drink, and only 2 or 3 items in his fridge.

So we watch a movie. I brought over a few to choose from and absolutely NOTHING sappy, because I didn't want him to get the wrong idea. We watched Tenacious D and the Pick of Destiny.

Then he "cooked". Okay, so I have never seen a guy make a steak without marinating it. He took it out of the package and put it straight on the grill. WHAT? He puts 2 small potatoes in the microwave and opens a can of peas, which he also cooked in the microwave. He asked how I like my steak and I told him Medium Rare or Medium at the most. He said he liked it Medium, so Medium it was....... NOT. That steak was hard as a rock, but oh well, at least it was a good cut of beef. Not only did the majority of his "cooking" consist of microwave safe dishes, but he then, after having taken the steaks off the grill (and about 10 minutes too late if I might add), marinated them and spiced them...... again, WHAT?

We ate, and the entire time, he was staring at me and asking me if it was good, and to compliment him on something...... What was I supposed to say? Your microwaved dishes are superb, or the Well Done/Medium stake that was marinated after and hasn't retained any of the spices are hard as a fucking rock? I merely proceeded to tell him that people shouldn't ask for compliments and that if it wasn't good I wouldn't be eating it. That of course was a lie, because I didn't want to make him feel bad, but at the same time I didn't want to compliment him on my jaws hurting from biting into his overcooked steak either.

We then went outside where he made a fire in this pit and made s'mores. The s'mores were good, but how can one really fuck those up, you know? I made sure to compliment him on those before the poor guy started crying for not having received a compliment. After the fire died down a bit, I said thanks, and went home.

We had planned on Sunday to return to Tuesday night wings because the week before he paid and told me I was obligated to pay the next go round. So we went, and luckily for him, there was no karaoke show going on that night for him to humiliate himself more than necessary. He did however get shit-faced. He started with a dark beer (similar to Guinness), then went to red wine, then to Gin after he told me he was drunk from the red wine. I am sure he had an awesome hangover the next day. Also, this guy is an engineer who works in a lab testing things for diabetes, imagine him throwing shit together in a lab with this melting pot of a hangover.

I go outside to smoke, and this happens more and more as I continue to drink while the Clueless Dork proceeds to, what it appears to be anyway, flirt with these 2 chicks in the bar. WRONG. He decides to tell them his entire life story and how he and I met, along with the whole sha-bang. I tell him that I am leaving to go home and he says he is going to stay to "finish his dart game". The guy seriously needs to get laid, and he seriously needs to know what to say when trying to pick up another lady.

Rules
1) Don't talk about how you met some other chick at a bar when trying to get laid.
2) Don't whine about how your wife left you if you are trying to get laid.
3) Don't refuse to buy a girl a drink when you are trying to get laid and they are sitting there chewing ice from their empty glasses.
4) Don't SING if you CAN"T when you are trying to get laid.
5) Don't DANCE if you don't know how to if you are trying to get laid.
6) Don't dedicate a song to your soon to be ex-anything if you are trying to get laid.
7) Don't offer to cook for someone when you don't know how to.
8) Don't use the microwave instead of a stove if you are trying to "impress" someone with your cooking skills and looking to receive a compliment.
9) Don't tell someone your wife left you, then proceed to put your arm around someone.

There are too many..... making me tired. I will end at that.

I did forget to mention this earlier. When we went to the bar this Tuesday, The Clueless Dork felt the need to order my food for me. Ummmm, NO. I am a grown ass woman, DO NOT try ordering for me, especially if I am paying. DOUCHE!!!

May I also add that he likes bragging about the fact that he was an Eagle scout and tells it to everyone he meets...... creepy!

The Chronicles of Wah-Wah, Part III

Motion isn't only in the ocean.
My vibrator has the magic potion.
He revs me up, and puts me in gear.
I have to drive and I have to steer.
There is no auto pilot, so I have to do
more than I should, which I am used to.
To tell you the truth it has been quite a long time.
He is still packed away in one of those boxes of mine.
I should take him out and have a go.
But what if someone walked in and saw my big show?
I am so used to living alone,
Now I get kicks with "him" on the phone.
"Pour some sugar on me" as Bon Jovi once said.
And lick from my feet right up to my head.
As you can tell, it has been quite some time.
Since I've spent some quality moments with that vibrator of mine.
I once got a friend a special one too.
Cause she knew the spell I am now going through.
The next day she said she was happy he had arrived.
The best Christmas gift ever, she swore on her life!
The gift that keeps giving, until his batteries die.
Then you buy more and he will be revived.




In honor of Fuzzy McCootersnatch
May your "friend" glow forever!

Some Poems for the Egg

I heart a man, I'll call him egg.
He gives me love and I needn't beg.
He is the Egglands Best.
I dream of him, nearly every night.
I can't wait to have him in my sight.
Houston is so far away!


Eggs are good breakfast.
Eggs are also good lovers.
I need to see eggs.