The Clueless Dork and the Brewery

There is a place in NJ that I have frequented a few times called Krogh's. It is a bar and I happen to like the fact that they brew their own beer. I have found that on Tuesday nights, they also do 30 cents wings, in which I am also a fan.

I met a guy there on a Saturday after leaving the movie theater to watch the new Harry Potter movie. He was alone, and there was a seat available next to him. I should have drawn some conclusions by this, but it was the only seat available in the entire bar, so I sat down and ordered a beer. The Clueless Dork then began talking to me.

The Clueless Dork moved to NJ in February due to a job relocation. He is from Michigan. He came here with his wife, and after having done so, she left his ass. I should have inquired more about WHY she left him, but I didn't want the guy to burst into tears. He told me that on Tuesday nights they had the 30 cent wing special and Karaoke, which I am also a fan of. He seemed like a nice guy and we talked to one another for a while until I was tired and wanted to make my way back home. He asked if I would be interested in joining him on Tuesday for wings and karaoke, and I, feeling bad for the poor guy accepted his invitation. After all, I would have gone alone and so would he, and had I declined he would have seen me there by myself anyway.

He is a nice guy, and completely harmless, but a COMPLETE moron when it comes to women. We met up for wings, ate them, and made our way to the non-bar area where karaoke kicks off at 10 PM.

First off, I have to say that he is by far the WORST singer and dancer (yes, he danced) that I have EVER seen or heard, but I got to give props to the boy for getting up there to begin with. He started the night with Tainted Love, but only after a dedication of the following....... "This goes out to my soon to be EX-wife". He proceeds to sing, and does this little number where he is somewhat squatting and shaking his finger (kind of like the water sprinkler dance, if that helps with the visual). He if completely tone deaf and doesn't seem to know the way the song actually goes. Everyone in the bar started singing to help the Clueless Dork out for Christ's sake. After he consumed more and more drinks he began to ATTEMPT pulling his arm around me, which I made very clear that I was NOT interested and for him to stop. The bar closed at 2 AM, and I think I ended up leaving a little after 1:30 AM. He lives right on the lake, so he usually walks, but I offered to give him a ride to his house. I then made it very clear that for 1) I am not interested in seeing a married man, be that he is separated or not, 2) That I was not interested, and 3) To not make an attempt to touch me, because I adore my personal space.

The following Sunday afternoon he calls and asks me if I wanted to do something. I wasn't really in the mood to DO anything, but I told him I wasn't opposed to watching a movie or something. He then suggested that I come over, we would watch a movie, and he would cook dinner for the both of us. I agreed.

I went to his house and I must say that he lives like a complete bachelor when it comes to the kitchen area. He had nothing to drink, and only 2 or 3 items in his fridge.

So we watch a movie. I brought over a few to choose from and absolutely NOTHING sappy, because I didn't want him to get the wrong idea. We watched Tenacious D and the Pick of Destiny.

Then he "cooked". Okay, so I have never seen a guy make a steak without marinating it. He took it out of the package and put it straight on the grill. WHAT? He puts 2 small potatoes in the microwave and opens a can of peas, which he also cooked in the microwave. He asked how I like my steak and I told him Medium Rare or Medium at the most. He said he liked it Medium, so Medium it was....... NOT. That steak was hard as a rock, but oh well, at least it was a good cut of beef. Not only did the majority of his "cooking" consist of microwave safe dishes, but he then, after having taken the steaks off the grill (and about 10 minutes too late if I might add), marinated them and spiced them...... again, WHAT?

We ate, and the entire time, he was staring at me and asking me if it was good, and to compliment him on something...... What was I supposed to say? Your microwaved dishes are superb, or the Well Done/Medium stake that was marinated after and hasn't retained any of the spices are hard as a fucking rock? I merely proceeded to tell him that people shouldn't ask for compliments and that if it wasn't good I wouldn't be eating it. That of course was a lie, because I didn't want to make him feel bad, but at the same time I didn't want to compliment him on my jaws hurting from biting into his overcooked steak either.

We then went outside where he made a fire in this pit and made s'mores. The s'mores were good, but how can one really fuck those up, you know? I made sure to compliment him on those before the poor guy started crying for not having received a compliment. After the fire died down a bit, I said thanks, and went home.

We had planned on Sunday to return to Tuesday night wings because the week before he paid and told me I was obligated to pay the next go round. So we went, and luckily for him, there was no karaoke show going on that night for him to humiliate himself more than necessary. He did however get shit-faced. He started with a dark beer (similar to Guinness), then went to red wine, then to Gin after he told me he was drunk from the red wine. I am sure he had an awesome hangover the next day. Also, this guy is an engineer who works in a lab testing things for diabetes, imagine him throwing shit together in a lab with this melting pot of a hangover.

I go outside to smoke, and this happens more and more as I continue to drink while the Clueless Dork proceeds to, what it appears to be anyway, flirt with these 2 chicks in the bar. WRONG. He decides to tell them his entire life story and how he and I met, along with the whole sha-bang. I tell him that I am leaving to go home and he says he is going to stay to "finish his dart game". The guy seriously needs to get laid, and he seriously needs to know what to say when trying to pick up another lady.

Rules
1) Don't talk about how you met some other chick at a bar when trying to get laid.
2) Don't whine about how your wife left you if you are trying to get laid.
3) Don't refuse to buy a girl a drink when you are trying to get laid and they are sitting there chewing ice from their empty glasses.
4) Don't SING if you CAN"T when you are trying to get laid.
5) Don't DANCE if you don't know how to if you are trying to get laid.
6) Don't dedicate a song to your soon to be ex-anything if you are trying to get laid.
7) Don't offer to cook for someone when you don't know how to.
8) Don't use the microwave instead of a stove if you are trying to "impress" someone with your cooking skills and looking to receive a compliment.
9) Don't tell someone your wife left you, then proceed to put your arm around someone.

There are too many..... making me tired. I will end at that.

I did forget to mention this earlier. When we went to the bar this Tuesday, The Clueless Dork felt the need to order my food for me. Ummmm, NO. I am a grown ass woman, DO NOT try ordering for me, especially if I am paying. DOUCHE!!!

May I also add that he likes bragging about the fact that he was an Eagle scout and tells it to everyone he meets...... creepy!

The Chronicles of Wah-Wah, Part III

Motion isn't only in the ocean.
My vibrator has the magic potion.
He revs me up, and puts me in gear.
I have to drive and I have to steer.
There is no auto pilot, so I have to do
more than I should, which I am used to.
To tell you the truth it has been quite a long time.
He is still packed away in one of those boxes of mine.
I should take him out and have a go.
But what if someone walked in and saw my big show?
I am so used to living alone,
Now I get kicks with "him" on the phone.
"Pour some sugar on me" as Bon Jovi once said.
And lick from my feet right up to my head.
As you can tell, it has been quite some time.
Since I've spent some quality moments with that vibrator of mine.
I once got a friend a special one too.
Cause she knew the spell I am now going through.
The next day she said she was happy he had arrived.
The best Christmas gift ever, she swore on her life!
The gift that keeps giving, until his batteries die.
Then you buy more and he will be revived.




In honor of Fuzzy McCootersnatch
May your "friend" glow forever!

Some Poems for the Egg

I heart a man, I'll call him egg.
He gives me love and I needn't beg.
He is the Egglands Best.
I dream of him, nearly every night.
I can't wait to have him in my sight.
Houston is so far away!


Eggs are good breakfast.
Eggs are also good lovers.
I need to see eggs.

The Chronicles of Wah-Wah, Part II

It only takes a few minutes to get where I am going;
Cause I am in control, and my toy is all knowing.
I call him BOB, Battery Operated Boyfriend
He love me long time, and is there til the end.
I hate when you go to use him and his batteries are dead
It's not like the fucking thing can give you some head.
But oh when he's charged and ready to go
You can make him go fast, and you can make him go slow.
My favorite is Osaki, I admit he's quite nice
He doesn't stimulate once, he stimulates twice!
He takes care of the internal and external spots
To hell with the sweating, he still makes me hot.
So tonight I will go sit back and just chill
And no one will worry, cause I will be fulfilled!


Not as good as the first Chronicle of Wah-Wah, but we have to keep it going.....

New Career on the Horizon

I moved to New Jersey to start working for a car dealership here, which I ended up hating. My boss made my life a living hell. I had told my mom about a week prior to Friday, July 20th that I felt that my boss was seriously trying to get me to quit. For the past two weeks or so I have been given a hard time from Guido the Steroid Abuser. It didn't surprise me on Friday at 3:30 PM when he "let me go". I was pissed that they had me move nearly 1700 miles, but at the same time, I was a bit relieved. I didn't plan on working in the car business the rest of my life, but I figured I would stick with it and make the most money I could then jump to something else. I don't have to do that anymore.

I decided that the best thing for me to do is something new and different. I didn't go to college to work with cars, and quite frankly, I don't think you have to have a degree to do that shit either. I want to do something that benefits others, and I want to come home feeling like I accomplished something and made an impact on someone else's life.

I was offered a job today in the teaching field. I think that this is what I want to do. When I got my degree in Theatre, I always said that if I didn't act, I would love to teach it. There was a teacher that made me pursue acting, he inspired and motivated me to do what it was that I loved. I want to do this for someone else. I knew that there wasn't a definite job obtaining my degree in Drama, but I didn't care; I loved it and that is what I wanted to do, and I still do.

So, I am getting out of car dealerships and into instilling others with some of the knowledge I have obtained in my many years of attending schools and Universities.

Wish me luck, and God help us all!

I Feel Like an Ass Right About Now....

I bought a movie on Half.com and thought that the seller tried to rip me off by sending me a burned copy of the dvd. I attempted to contact the seller, and received no word back from him, then I proceeded to file a claim to Half.com directly. I received notification from them last night informing me that I was going to be issued a refund for the movie and that should resolve the problem.

Here is why I feel bad....

I bought Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan. Little did I know that the dvd was presented to look like a burned copy of the move, and in all actuality it was not.

I shouldn't feel bad about getting something for free, but I do feel bad for filing a claim against a seller for no reason. I just wish he would have responded to my email to resolve this issue prior to going and leaving him negative feedback and going over his head and filing a claim with the company directly.

I feel that they may have issued me a refund because the seller had some consistent negative feedback, therefore not questioning me and not asking for me to return the copy of the dvd. It works great, and I clearly remember writing the company informing them of this, and that I would have bought it regardless because of the price. I just felt that the seller would have noted that it was a burned copy.

I feel bad about all of this.

What should I do now that I have stuck my foot in my mouth?

Apparently I am not the only confused one. See here for more info.

My 5 Hour Excursion

I spent this last weekend making my rounds in Alexandria, VA and Washington, D.C. Oddly enough I have more friends there than I do here, which is somewhat sad, but really cool at the same time. I drove after work on Friday and got there at 10:00 PM. I should have gotten there at 9:44 PM according to my GPS, but I managed to get all turned around a few times because certain exits were too close to one another, or because I was still a little "in the clouds" to pay 100% attention. Nonetheless, I got there and saw my bestest friend in the world, Belle. The first night we went to a bar in Virginia, which was cool, seeing as how I haven't smoked in a bar since very early May.

* Tangent I know, but cigarettes are so fucking cheap there too. I should have bought like ten cartons, but I only got one. $33 for a carton....... Rape me and call be sugar tits...... (no, not really).

Saturday we headed over to the local diner (which you can smoke in as well), and ate BLT sandwiches (which I have been craving ever since, thank you very much). And then moseyed our way afterwards to a potential living space for Senorita Belle.

We also managed to meet up with 2 other college graduates on Saturday. First, we went to Miracle Whip's house and conducted a little partaking before heading over to Jubilee Jack's house in D.C. We had a feast! It was awesome. Jubilee Jack got in Grill King mode and we had a plateful of beautiful,tasty things to eat. We had steaks with a habanero kick (like burn the butthole kind of kick), stuffed mushrooms, mutated (by this I mean massive) Tabasco-Worcestershire-basil shrimp (grilled), bruschetta (without tomatoes), and asparagus with bacon.

After making a "happy plate", we went to a bar in DuPont called BrickSkiller. It was fun because I had another friend from high school that came too. I will call him Homo-Straight Boy. Everyone got along very well and we all managed to get drunk enough to forget tid bits here and there of the night.....

Sunday we woke up from Jubilee Jack's couch and made our way to brunch at DuPont Grille. It was pretty yummy, besides the fact that my bloody mary tasted like watered down cocktail sauce.

Then Belle and I did all the touristy-like stuff in the form of a "drive by". We drove and snapped pics, and got out one time to take pictures with Albert Einstein, make out with him, and offer him hits from our smokes....... classic!

We then went to Belle's house, took slut lick showers and went to the mall where we managed to grab some hella deals.

Then I drove home.....

In traffic......

I miss them already. It was super fun!!