The Clueless Dork and the Brewery

There is a place in NJ that I have frequented a few times called Krogh's. It is a bar and I happen to like the fact that they brew their own beer. I have found that on Tuesday nights, they also do 30 cents wings, in which I am also a fan.

I met a guy there on a Saturday after leaving the movie theater to watch the new Harry Potter movie. He was alone, and there was a seat available next to him. I should have drawn some conclusions by this, but it was the only seat available in the entire bar, so I sat down and ordered a beer. The Clueless Dork then began talking to me.

The Clueless Dork moved to NJ in February due to a job relocation. He is from Michigan. He came here with his wife, and after having done so, she left his ass. I should have inquired more about WHY she left him, but I didn't want the guy to burst into tears. He told me that on Tuesday nights they had the 30 cent wing special and Karaoke, which I am also a fan of. He seemed like a nice guy and we talked to one another for a while until I was tired and wanted to make my way back home. He asked if I would be interested in joining him on Tuesday for wings and karaoke, and I, feeling bad for the poor guy accepted his invitation. After all, I would have gone alone and so would he, and had I declined he would have seen me there by myself anyway.

He is a nice guy, and completely harmless, but a COMPLETE moron when it comes to women. We met up for wings, ate them, and made our way to the non-bar area where karaoke kicks off at 10 PM.

First off, I have to say that he is by far the WORST singer and dancer (yes, he danced) that I have EVER seen or heard, but I got to give props to the boy for getting up there to begin with. He started the night with Tainted Love, but only after a dedication of the following....... "This goes out to my soon to be EX-wife". He proceeds to sing, and does this little number where he is somewhat squatting and shaking his finger (kind of like the water sprinkler dance, if that helps with the visual). He if completely tone deaf and doesn't seem to know the way the song actually goes. Everyone in the bar started singing to help the Clueless Dork out for Christ's sake. After he consumed more and more drinks he began to ATTEMPT pulling his arm around me, which I made very clear that I was NOT interested and for him to stop. The bar closed at 2 AM, and I think I ended up leaving a little after 1:30 AM. He lives right on the lake, so he usually walks, but I offered to give him a ride to his house. I then made it very clear that for 1) I am not interested in seeing a married man, be that he is separated or not, 2) That I was not interested, and 3) To not make an attempt to touch me, because I adore my personal space.

The following Sunday afternoon he calls and asks me if I wanted to do something. I wasn't really in the mood to DO anything, but I told him I wasn't opposed to watching a movie or something. He then suggested that I come over, we would watch a movie, and he would cook dinner for the both of us. I agreed.

I went to his house and I must say that he lives like a complete bachelor when it comes to the kitchen area. He had nothing to drink, and only 2 or 3 items in his fridge.

So we watch a movie. I brought over a few to choose from and absolutely NOTHING sappy, because I didn't want him to get the wrong idea. We watched Tenacious D and the Pick of Destiny.

Then he "cooked". Okay, so I have never seen a guy make a steak without marinating it. He took it out of the package and put it straight on the grill. WHAT? He puts 2 small potatoes in the microwave and opens a can of peas, which he also cooked in the microwave. He asked how I like my steak and I told him Medium Rare or Medium at the most. He said he liked it Medium, so Medium it was....... NOT. That steak was hard as a rock, but oh well, at least it was a good cut of beef. Not only did the majority of his "cooking" consist of microwave safe dishes, but he then, after having taken the steaks off the grill (and about 10 minutes too late if I might add), marinated them and spiced them...... again, WHAT?

We ate, and the entire time, he was staring at me and asking me if it was good, and to compliment him on something...... What was I supposed to say? Your microwaved dishes are superb, or the Well Done/Medium stake that was marinated after and hasn't retained any of the spices are hard as a fucking rock? I merely proceeded to tell him that people shouldn't ask for compliments and that if it wasn't good I wouldn't be eating it. That of course was a lie, because I didn't want to make him feel bad, but at the same time I didn't want to compliment him on my jaws hurting from biting into his overcooked steak either.

We then went outside where he made a fire in this pit and made s'mores. The s'mores were good, but how can one really fuck those up, you know? I made sure to compliment him on those before the poor guy started crying for not having received a compliment. After the fire died down a bit, I said thanks, and went home.

We had planned on Sunday to return to Tuesday night wings because the week before he paid and told me I was obligated to pay the next go round. So we went, and luckily for him, there was no karaoke show going on that night for him to humiliate himself more than necessary. He did however get shit-faced. He started with a dark beer (similar to Guinness), then went to red wine, then to Gin after he told me he was drunk from the red wine. I am sure he had an awesome hangover the next day. Also, this guy is an engineer who works in a lab testing things for diabetes, imagine him throwing shit together in a lab with this melting pot of a hangover.

I go outside to smoke, and this happens more and more as I continue to drink while the Clueless Dork proceeds to, what it appears to be anyway, flirt with these 2 chicks in the bar. WRONG. He decides to tell them his entire life story and how he and I met, along with the whole sha-bang. I tell him that I am leaving to go home and he says he is going to stay to "finish his dart game". The guy seriously needs to get laid, and he seriously needs to know what to say when trying to pick up another lady.

Rules
1) Don't talk about how you met some other chick at a bar when trying to get laid.
2) Don't whine about how your wife left you if you are trying to get laid.
3) Don't refuse to buy a girl a drink when you are trying to get laid and they are sitting there chewing ice from their empty glasses.
4) Don't SING if you CAN"T when you are trying to get laid.
5) Don't DANCE if you don't know how to if you are trying to get laid.
6) Don't dedicate a song to your soon to be ex-anything if you are trying to get laid.
7) Don't offer to cook for someone when you don't know how to.
8) Don't use the microwave instead of a stove if you are trying to "impress" someone with your cooking skills and looking to receive a compliment.
9) Don't tell someone your wife left you, then proceed to put your arm around someone.

There are too many..... making me tired. I will end at that.

I did forget to mention this earlier. When we went to the bar this Tuesday, The Clueless Dork felt the need to order my food for me. Ummmm, NO. I am a grown ass woman, DO NOT try ordering for me, especially if I am paying. DOUCHE!!!

May I also add that he likes bragging about the fact that he was an Eagle scout and tells it to everyone he meets...... creepy!

The Chronicles of Wah-Wah, Part III

Motion isn't only in the ocean.
My vibrator has the magic potion.
He revs me up, and puts me in gear.
I have to drive and I have to steer.
There is no auto pilot, so I have to do
more than I should, which I am used to.
To tell you the truth it has been quite a long time.
He is still packed away in one of those boxes of mine.
I should take him out and have a go.
But what if someone walked in and saw my big show?
I am so used to living alone,
Now I get kicks with "him" on the phone.
"Pour some sugar on me" as Bon Jovi once said.
And lick from my feet right up to my head.
As you can tell, it has been quite some time.
Since I've spent some quality moments with that vibrator of mine.
I once got a friend a special one too.
Cause she knew the spell I am now going through.
The next day she said she was happy he had arrived.
The best Christmas gift ever, she swore on her life!
The gift that keeps giving, until his batteries die.
Then you buy more and he will be revived.




In honor of Fuzzy McCootersnatch
May your "friend" glow forever!

Some Poems for the Egg

I heart a man, I'll call him egg.
He gives me love and I needn't beg.
He is the Egglands Best.
I dream of him, nearly every night.
I can't wait to have him in my sight.
Houston is so far away!


Eggs are good breakfast.
Eggs are also good lovers.
I need to see eggs.